Author Topic: 50 Shades of Grey. Please don't read if easily offended.  (Read 2342 times)

Kiwi

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50 Shades of Grey. Please don't read if easily offended.
« on: February 11, 2015, 10:06 PM »
Have heard that 50 Shades of Grey is about to be released at the pictures so here's a few excerpts from the script, hope you like em  ;)


1    At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

2    Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

3    'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

4    Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

5    As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'

6    'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

7    Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

8    'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

9    She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

10    She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

11    They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

12    'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

13    Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

14    'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

15    'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

16    'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

17    My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

18    'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

19    'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

20    As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: 50 Shades of Grey. Please don't read if easily offended.
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2015, 09:39 PM »
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag;...T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!!
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Son of Nomad

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Re: 50 Shades of Grey. Please don't read if easily offended.
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2015, 12:12 PM »
I AM easily offended ..... but I read them anyway!

Fudge

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Re: 50 Shades of Grey. Please don't read if easily offended.
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2015, 02:42 PM »
I can still laugh, a few years ago when the book came out my daughter was by the pool on hol reading it the lady on the next sun bed was also reading it when my youngest grandson came along shook is head and said in a loud voice for all to hear I hope you and dad are not getting up to that, talk about wanting to disappear. Fudge

KENNETHO

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Re: 50 Shades of Grey. Please don't read if easily offended.
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2015, 11:56 PM »
an irish priest driving to newyork was pulled over for speeding the officer could smell alcohol and spotted a bottleon the back seat have you been drinking asked the officer?? just water replied the priestwell whats this aked the officer showing him the bottle?good lord said the priest hes done it again.. cheers kennetho