Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 572504 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2640 on: August 08, 2019, 04:38 AM »
An elderly pirate retired from the sea and his pirating career, married his favourite lady of negotiable virtue and purchased a small wooden bungalow set in an acre of land where both himself and his good lady wife grew strawberries and made jam for a living. Unfortunately, because of the lack of decent advertising, they never managed to sell any jam until it had gone past its use by date, meaning they had to sell it cheap.

Everybody on the island knew this and they would wait for a month before going up to the ex pirates bungalow to get some cheap fruit preserve.

You couldn't miss the place. Go up the dirt road and look for a wooden bungalow going by the name of "Old Jam Acre"
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2641 on: August 10, 2019, 04:21 AM »
walking by an office building late one night a blonde saw a sign on the door ring bell for watchman so she pressed the button and heard footsteps walking down the stairs then the uniformed man unlocked a gate then a  second gate turned off the alarm system opened the front door  looked at the blonde and said "what do you want"? she replied i wanted to know why you cant ring  it yourself"?

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2642 on: August 11, 2019, 04:08 PM »
excellent humour.... thanks a bunch

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2643 on: August 12, 2019, 04:53 AM »
a man said his deaf wife was talking in her sleep  last night and almost poked his eye out..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2644 on: August 13, 2019, 10:18 PM »
video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.....................working in customer  service  already  did that..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2645 on: August 14, 2019, 03:43 PM »
up date .. little miss muffet  sat on her tuffet  abiding her time away  she got on her phone and called for a drone to frighten that spider  away .

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2646 on: August 14, 2019, 10:30 PM »
a man got an idea to open a chain of Elvis steak houses ...  for  people  that  love  meat tender..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2647 on: August 15, 2019, 04:06 PM »
an electrician gets home late. wife "wire your insulate"?  electrician  "watts  it to you i"m ohm  aint  i"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2648 on: August 17, 2019, 03:11 AM »
a guy said my nick name at school was scar face.. because i was so dam good at knitting..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2649 on: August 19, 2019, 11:03 PM »
there was a young  lady  from Kent  whose nose was so badly  bent we all supposed  she  followed  her nose so nobody knows where she  went..

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2650 on: August 20, 2019, 11:01 PM »
Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel has won Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" award with the niche culinary pun.

He took the title with the gag: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

Charity supporting Tourettes has complained and asked for an apology.

Personally don't see why they are having a nervous tic and shouting out uncontrollably about it.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2651 on: August 20, 2019, 11:02 PM »
Whatís the difference between Simply Red and a bull?

The bull has the horns at the front and the a*hole at the back


I remember one comedian, although who it was is less memorable, being asked what he would do if he won the lottery. Quick answer was to buy all the tickets for a Simply Red concert...........and then not go.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2652 on: August 20, 2019, 11:03 PM »
Been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2653 on: August 20, 2019, 11:06 PM »
Some twat stole my anti depressants.

Well, I hope they're happy now.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2654 on: August 20, 2019, 11:07 PM »
What do you call a fat computer?
.
.
.
.
A Dell
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.