Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 565768 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2595 on: July 03, 2019, 10:15 PM »
laughter  is meant to be shared , so if you can make just one person laugh you"re  not very  funny

brian seward

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2596 on: July 04, 2019, 02:05 AM »
one thing no one has done......been  in a empty room  ....


Doctor:  I can't do anything about your condition I'm afraid it's hereditary.
Patient: In that case send the bill to my parents.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2597 on: July 04, 2019, 08:09 PM »
4th of July is the only time in the year Americans say the day and month in the correct  order.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2598 on: July 04, 2019, 09:29 PM »
there is so many kinds of martial  arts its  kind of  kung  fusing

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2599 on: July 04, 2019, 09:45 PM »
man  petting  dog  "awe he probably can smell my dog" police "he is trained to only re act to the smell of drugs" man  yeah  my dog has a realy bad  problem"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2600 on: July 05, 2019, 04:46 PM »
if you boil a funny  bone  it becomes a laughing  stock..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2601 on: July 06, 2019, 01:57 AM »
Mary  had a little lamb  she rubbed it hard one day a genie popped out of its arse and scared that girl away

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2602 on: July 07, 2019, 03:44 AM »
if a wedding goes off  without a hitch did anyone  get  married??

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2603 on: July 08, 2019, 06:07 PM »
just to clarify......teachers  are not off in summer....they are in  recovery....

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2604 on: July 16, 2019, 08:12 PM »
how to make a hot dog  stand...................   take away its  chair.....

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2605 on: July 17, 2019, 02:21 AM »
Just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling’s. I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2606 on: July 17, 2019, 02:25 AM »

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2607 on: July 17, 2019, 02:27 AM »
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2608 on: July 17, 2019, 02:29 AM »
TWO GUYS MEET UP IN A BAR.

The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the kerb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2609 on: July 17, 2019, 02:29 AM »
I was in a queue at a cash machine yesterday and the old lady at the machines seemed to be having difficulties. I asked if I could be of assistance and she said she needed help in checking her balance. So I gave her a shove and sure enough she fell over.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.