Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 559691 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2520 on: May 04, 2019, 08:18 PM »
 a man said he had a sex talk with his son the other day and told him about the birds and the bees  the bees and the bees the birds and the birds the bees that wanted to be birds the birds that wanted to be bees  the beebirds   and the birdbees and...........

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2521 on: May 08, 2019, 12:02 AM »

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2522 on: May 10, 2019, 01:17 AM »
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The old bugger had a window cleaning round."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2523 on: May 10, 2019, 01:19 AM »
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife looking at herself in the mirror. As her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like for a present.
"I'd like to be twelve again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he got up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and took her to Alton Towers.
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew, The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favorite sweets......M&M's..
At last they staggered home together and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and she replied, "I meant my dress size, you twat!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still going to get it wrong
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2524 on: May 10, 2019, 01:20 AM »
A man walks into a Welsh pub in deepest Wales and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I'm from England replies the man nervously.
"What do you do,in England Asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" He asks.
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."..
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2525 on: May 10, 2019, 02:28 PM »
scientists found  out.. but went inside  again..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2526 on: May 11, 2019, 03:14 AM »
a man goes to the doctor with a flatulence  problem.  " how often do you get this problem"  asks the doctor  about 10 to 15 times an  hour he replied . so the doctor goes into the backroom and btings out a pole with a hook on the end the man screamed "what the hell are you going to do with that?" open some windows replied the doc...

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2527 on: May 13, 2019, 06:25 PM »
federal authorities now  say you cant be on medical marijuana  if you are taking  laxatives..................you either have  to shit or get off  the pot...........

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2528 on: May 13, 2019, 10:11 PM »
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2529 on: May 15, 2019, 11:22 PM »

"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2530 on: May 15, 2019, 11:22 PM »

"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2531 on: May 15, 2019, 11:23 PM »


"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2532 on: May 15, 2019, 11:23 PM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

ourjud1

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2533 on: May 16, 2019, 04:31 PM »
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Phew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Baloney and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
up the boro

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2534 on: May 21, 2019, 12:20 AM »
i saw one  of those flyers that said  "have you seen this man"? with a number below it,, so right away i called and said" no i haven"t.