Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 561364 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2490 on: April 01, 2019, 11:59 PM »
A water flooded boggy marshy meadow was being drained prior to a new housing estate being built, a large pump was fired up, and the water slowly drained away. A local nature conservation group turned up and told the builders" You have to stop pumping, there are rare species of amphibians and wild life living there, Turn off the pump, its draining rats and frogs".
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2491 on: April 02, 2019, 12:02 AM »
I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered......."They are right behind you".
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2492 on: April 03, 2019, 08:06 PM »
 i lost my controller  somewhere.... it must be in a remote  location

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2493 on: April 04, 2019, 03:41 AM »
a man wanted to get more exercise so he was looking for a tennis  club but everyone told him it was a racket

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2494 on: April 05, 2019, 08:09 PM »
a man said he comes from a family of failed  magicians..  he has  two half  sisters

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2495 on: April 06, 2019, 04:01 PM »
a man said after my years of working in the gym as a personal  trainer i found i wasn"t strong  enough and quit i handed in my too  weak  notice

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2496 on: April 08, 2019, 03:28 PM »
a beautiful young woman sat next to a young man on a plane and  said excuse me could you help me take something of my breast please?" a little shocked the man said "of course  what is it"?she replied "your eyes idiot"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2497 on: April 09, 2019, 06:20 PM »
 a man went  to see a medium.. but when he saw her he figured ,, shes  more of a large

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2498 on: April 12, 2019, 04:16 AM »
its been reported that Lorena  Bobbitt   was in a car crash a witness said some  dick cut her off

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2499 on: April 15, 2019, 04:51 AM »
after months of trying a mans wife got pregnant so off they went to the docs  for a check up the husband said "how will i know if i am the father"? the doc replied we can do a d n a test then the wife said "how will i know if i am the mother? for that we need an I Q test.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2500 on: April 18, 2019, 12:40 AM »
My wife loves all the lady Hollywood film stars of the 40's, Hedy Lamar, Marylyn Monroe, and especially Greta Garbo, just lately she's started eating grass seed, and when questioned about it all she says is " I vont to be A Lawn"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2501 on: April 18, 2019, 04:15 AM »
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
6. Depression is like anger without enthusiasm.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
8. Support Bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have!
9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
10. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
12. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.
13. OK - so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
18. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2502 on: April 18, 2019, 04:18 AM »
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2503 on: April 19, 2019, 12:54 AM »
a tour guide in a London museum stopped in front of a mummy and told the group that this mummy was over 5000 tears old  and possibly Moses  saw it. a lady put up her hand and  asked "when did Moses ever come to London"?

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2504 on: April 20, 2019, 02:53 PM »
if a deaf  boy  swears  in sign language  would his mother wash his hands in soap??