Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 552143 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2445 on: March 01, 2019, 03:12 AM »

"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2446 on: March 01, 2019, 03:12 AM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2447 on: March 01, 2019, 06:55 PM »
the  dentist  next  patent  was a little old  lady  who seemed  rather  nervous  so he thought he would  tell her  a joke so when he was putting his  gloves  on  he asked her "do you know how these gloves  are made"? she  replied "no i don"t" well  he  said "in Canada they use  a large  vat full of latex and different people walk up to the vat dip their hands let them dry then peel them off and put them into the right  size  boxes he spoofed.she never cracked  a smile. he thought  well i tried. but a few  minutes into the delicate procedure she  started  to  laugh ".whats  so  funny"?  he asked. "oh  i was just envisioning how they  made  condoms" she  replied. 

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2448 on: March 02, 2019, 08:23 PM »
they  say  "a dog  is a mans  best  friend" but i don"t have enemies that would  stare in my eyes  whilst  taking  a shit on my  carpet

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2449 on: March 05, 2019, 12:58 AM »
was yesterday parade  day???..............march  fourth

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2450 on: March 05, 2019, 07:04 PM »
a mans  wife  asked  him to go  out and get  something  for  the pancakes... she wasn"t too impressed when he came back with  a bra..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2451 on: March 06, 2019, 12:52 AM »
 a blonde was touring a farm she said to the farmer  why doesn't that cow over there have  horns the farmer  replied  there are many  reasons  some cows don"t have horns  some  are  bred to be  hornless some cows they come on later some times the horns are taken off and on some cows they fall off but that particular  cow doesn't  have  horns because  its a bloody  horse

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2452 on: March 07, 2019, 03:37 AM »

Possums, an Aussie story!

The churches in Blenheim were suffering from a plague of possums, and were struggling to stop them peeing in the doorways and disturbing early morning and late night services by sliding up and down the roofs.


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possums. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.


The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.


But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2453 on: March 07, 2019, 06:49 PM »
did i read  that sign correctly??? office  building....toilet  out of order  please use floor  below...laundromat washing  machines........ please  remove  all your  clothes  when light  goes  out

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2454 on: March 08, 2019, 02:02 AM »
a man went home and told his wife " i just bought these Olympic condoms "whats so special about those do we only use them every 4 years"? she said  "oh no there are 3 co-lours gold  silver  and  bronze " "and what colour are you wearing tonight ?" she said  he replied "gold of course" she replied " why don"t you wear silver it would be nice if you came second for a change"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2455 on: March 08, 2019, 03:55 AM »
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

He said 'Whale meat again.....  ;)
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2456 on: March 08, 2019, 03:57 AM »
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request..?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.

As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request..?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.

As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request..?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,

"READ MY LIPS...!

FOR... THE... LAST... F***ING... TIME... "

"BRING POSSE!!"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2457 on: March 10, 2019, 12:33 AM »
 a mechanic  just finished a tough job for a customer, who was a surgeon so the mechanic said to him how  come i bust my gut all day taking cars  apart and putting them back together and only make a fraction that you make after all you take people apart and put them together so  what  gives the doctor pauses for a moment and politely replied  " i can see your  point there  but  try doing all that  with the engine  running"

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2458 on: March 10, 2019, 02:21 PM »
Hi KENETHO,
This is great humour, one of your better ones - thank you.

Regards,
Larry E.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2459 on: March 10, 2019, 05:09 PM »
yeah  we sometimes  find one that hits the spot cheers