Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 569724 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2415 on: February 14, 2019, 04:26 PM »
 a man gets a call from the school and told him "your son has been telling lies  " the man replied " well tell him he is bloody  good because i dont have any  kids"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2416 on: February 14, 2019, 09:04 PM »
the  most important  thing  in a relationship  is  trust  because if you don"t  realy  trust  her how do you know she  aint  gonna  tell your  wife.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2417 on: February 15, 2019, 09:46 PM »
2  blondes  one  said  "my boyfriend is a veterinarian" " oh was he in the war" asked  her friend " no you dumbo he doesn't eat  meat " she replied

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2418 on: February 18, 2019, 12:32 AM »
Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming......
My son got sent home from school yesterday.
He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around.
Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 Geography class that he is employed to do"...........
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2419 on: February 18, 2019, 05:23 AM »
a man  told  his wife  she should start to enjoy the little things  in life  she  replied"honey i"m  not in the mood right  now  for  sex"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2420 on: February 18, 2019, 08:24 PM »
 a 75 year old man played golf almost every day since he retired 10 years ago then one day he got home quite upset and said to his wife that"s it no more golf for me the wife feeling a little sorry for him said why whats wrong dear  well its my eyes i cant see where the ball lands. oh don"t get upset  take my brother with you but hes 85 he replied yes but his eyesight is very good.. so the next day he took the brother in law along he hits the ball from the first  tee with a mighty swing as he is trying to watch the ball he asked the brother in law  can you see the ball? of course he said my eyes are good then where did it land?  " i forget" he replied                   

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2421 on: February 19, 2019, 07:38 PM »
two  little  boys  at a wedding one leans over to the other  and asks " how many  wife's can a man  have"? his friend  says "sixteen four better  four worse four richer  and four poorer"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2422 on: February 20, 2019, 02:55 AM »
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well, cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!"
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2423 on: February 20, 2019, 04:36 AM »
a man picks up a can of fly spray in the hardware store and asks the clerk  "is this  good for  wasps?" "no" replied the clerk "it kills them"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2424 on: February 20, 2019, 11:57 PM »
if mexico  stopped  importing  cocaine for a month, then the Americans  would be the ones  climbing  the wall

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2425 on: February 21, 2019, 06:29 PM »
a man bought  his  wife  a mood  ring  he said  when she is in a good  mood  it turns  green but when she is in a bad  mood  it leaves red  circles on his  forehead

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2426 on: February 21, 2019, 06:53 PM »
i once  knew  a man  who was a workaholic,, if you mention work he would  get  drunk...

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2427 on: February 23, 2019, 05:00 PM »
 a wife  asked  her husband " who"s  the  fool  you  or  me?" " well honey"  he  replied "every one knows  you are  too  smart  to marry  a fool"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2428 on: February 24, 2019, 05:34 AM »
if  you try to  talk a vegan to eat venison they will start  screaming  for  deer  live

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2429 on: February 26, 2019, 07:29 PM »
the wind was  howling  through the  trees..  "shut the hell up  said the  trees"