Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 552727 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2400 on: February 11, 2019, 02:51 AM »
I was dating a woman who worked at a camping shop. We split up as the relationship was too intents.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2401 on: February 11, 2019, 02:51 AM »

This is a great time to buy a thermometer. They're much lower at this time of year.

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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2402 on: February 11, 2019, 02:52 AM »
I've put a marquee up in my garden, with funky music and flashing lights. Now is the winter of my disco-tent.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2403 on: February 11, 2019, 02:52 AM »

I saw two people in Tesco wrapped together in a giant barcode. I thought "They must be an item".
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2404 on: February 11, 2019, 02:52 AM »

The police stopped me and asked me where I was between 5 and 11. I said "Primary School".

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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2405 on: February 11, 2019, 02:53 AM »
It's the Schizophrenia Society Annual Ball tonight. I'm in two minds whether to go or not.

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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2406 on: February 11, 2019, 02:53 AM »
I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went but I've got some leads.

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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2407 on: February 11, 2019, 02:53 AM »
I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2408 on: February 11, 2019, 02:54 AM »

My mate told me to meet him at half six so I turned up at three.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2409 on: February 11, 2019, 02:54 AM »

Me and my wife had an argument over my big purple dinosaur which she threw out. We had a massive Barney.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2410 on: February 13, 2019, 12:52 AM »
Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gearbox over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom." So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the brush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2411 on: February 13, 2019, 12:53 AM »
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with large smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," said he coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Michael O'Shaunessy, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" enquired the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2412 on: February 13, 2019, 12:54 AM »

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

An attractive blonde lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over six hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap surgical wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible injury and painstaking surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men breathed a sigh of relief and the whole congregation applauded..

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to t tell my wife that the word is sternum."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2413 on: February 13, 2019, 12:55 AM »
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks, still wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, Bristol 138s, Aircobras, the Albamarle bomber and the Argosy Transport . I've taught more than 200 people to fly and taken part in Air Shows all over the place, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, my dear, what are you?' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: ' Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2414 on: February 13, 2019, 01:56 AM »
A newlywed couple from England spend their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. While his new bride is unpacking in their honeymoon suite, the young groom goes out of the Hotel to find a suitable restaurant for their evening meal. He finds a suitable place and across the street he sees an unusual shop sign: "Chief Bald Eagle, Memory Man - He Knows Everything".
Intrigued, he pays his dollar, goes in and asks Chief Bald Eagle "who won the first English FA Cup Final football match?". The Chief draws thoughtfully on his pipe and says "Wanderers v Royal Engineers, 1872 - Wanderers win one-nil". Stunned, the groom returns to his new bride and bores her all evening with how amazing this Chief Bald Eagle is.
Twenty-five years later, they go back to celebrate their anniversary and to the groom's astonishment, amid radical changes to the rest of the area, Chief Bald Eagle is still there in the same shop. He pays his ten dollars, goes in and respectfully greets the old Chief with a raised hand and the word "How". The old Chief squints at him through a wreath of pipe smoke and says "From a corner".
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"