Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 555598 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2355 on: January 23, 2019, 04:38 AM »
lets congratulate  the man who  invented  the wobbly  table he must have been successful as they are in every restaurant  and cafe

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2356 on: January 23, 2019, 08:23 PM »
A native American shaman had an apprentice.

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip.

But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it any more, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe."

The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?"

The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal.

When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?"

The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2357 on: January 24, 2019, 07:12 PM »
lets congratulate  the man who  invented  the wobbly  table he must have been successful as they are in every restaurant  and cafe
HAHAHAHA...... best one yet

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2358 on: January 25, 2019, 04:00 AM »
I was doing a crossword in the pub, and said to my Scottish mate Alex, “I'm stuck on one across: trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M.” He said, “Marooned.” I said, “Thank you. I’ll have a large single malt please!”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2359 on: January 25, 2019, 04:01 AM »
Why is my pet amphibian named ‘Tiny’ you ask.
Well that’s easy: it’s because he’s my newt.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2360 on: January 25, 2019, 04:02 AM »
Just won a medal at the World Weather Forecasting Championships. I beat the raining champion.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2361 on: January 25, 2019, 04:03 AM »
Man runs into the Doctor's office.

"Doctor! Doctor!" he yells, "I've got five penises!"

"Five penises?" the Doctor says, "How do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove!"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2362 on: January 25, 2019, 04:05 AM »
A man barges into a doctor's consulting room and shouts "Help me, doctor, I've just had a set of dominoes shoved up my arse!!"

Doctor replies "Christ, man, don't you ever knock?"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2363 on: January 25, 2019, 04:06 AM »
I told my mate I was a big fan of Beyoncé. He said “Whatever floats your boat”. I said “No, that’s buoyancy”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2364 on: January 25, 2019, 04:06 AM »
The next person that asks me for rum, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same glass is gonna get a punch.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2365 on: January 25, 2019, 04:09 AM »
My ex girlfriend laughed at my idea of making a car out of spaghetti...should have seen her face today as I drove pasta.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2366 on: January 25, 2019, 04:14 AM »
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.

I think we're in for a bad spell of wetha.

I used to have a job holding a flag but now a pole's got it.

Saw a man being arrested by an albino policeman this morning. I thought, "That's a fair cop."

Bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached. It went down well.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2367 on: January 26, 2019, 04:37 AM »
a Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog vender asks for a hot dog with everything so he hands the vender 20 dollar bill he got the hot dog but no change so  he asks for it and the vender says change must come from within  the monk reaches in his chest pocket and points a gun the vender says whoa  whoa  were did that come  from the monk replied this is my  inner  piece

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2368 on: January 29, 2019, 04:55 AM »
 a manager of a large office saw a new man and asked him in the office  whats your name my man asked the boss john replied the man now listen to me i don"t call any employees by their first name it brakes down authority i want your last name  darling replied john the boss said  well look here john the next thing i want to tell you  is.....

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2369 on: January 29, 2019, 04:22 PM »
chinese takeout  $15.00  gas to get there $1.50 getting home to find out they have forgotten  one of your  dishes  riceless