Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 565960 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2325 on: December 19, 2018, 05:51 AM »
just 2 words  push  and  pull  will open  a lot of doors  for  you

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2326 on: December 20, 2018, 03:51 AM »
a rich blonde  buys a new  jaguar it drives fine during the day but cant get it to go at night so she calls the  dealer and they send out a technician he cant find a problem so asks the lady if she is using the right gear of course she replied i put it in d and in n  for  night

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2327 on: December 21, 2018, 01:57 AM »
what  nationality  is  Santa???..........................North  Polish

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2328 on: December 21, 2018, 04:51 AM »
trump  just  figured  out a way  to get mexico to pay for  the  wall...................he promised to have monthly  diplomatic  visits  to mexico by  motorcade

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2329 on: December 22, 2018, 07:14 PM »
a rich blonde  buys a new  jaguar it drives fine during the day but cant get it to go at night so she calls the  dealer and they send out a technician he cant find a problem so asks the lady if she is using the right gear of course she replied i put it in d and in n  for  night

Hi KENNETHO,
This is the best Joke I've heard all year..... thank you!

As a Jaguar Owner/Driver myself it rings a bell.

Regards,
Larry E

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2330 on: December 24, 2018, 06:37 PM »
a man  said " i"m not an alcoholic  alcoholics  go to  meetings  i go  to  parties"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2331 on: December 24, 2018, 06:54 PM »
who  ever  said  laughter  is the best  medicine ,  wasn"t  recovering  from a broken  rib

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2332 on: December 25, 2018, 05:56 PM »
wife "you never  listen to me  all you hear is what you wanna  hear" hubby "sure  ill have  a beer"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2333 on: December 29, 2018, 05:13 AM »
Humpty   dumpty  is having a terrible  winter,, which  sucks  he had a great  fall

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2334 on: December 30, 2018, 06:02 PM »
bouncer " i am  going  to  ask you  to  leave "  man "why"  bouncer " because  i have  no  idea who  you  are  and this  is my  trampoline"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2335 on: December 31, 2018, 10:17 PM »
dont  forget  tonight  at 11.59  lift up  your left leg then you can enter the new year on  the right  foot cheers every body

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2336 on: January 05, 2019, 11:42 PM »
a girl  text  love you babe xxx  her guy replied  love you too  babe  she wrote it would meen  a lot to me if you started putting some x"s at the end of your messages  he said  okay  babe Linda Mary  Alice  Susan

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2337 on: January 07, 2019, 01:17 AM »
I lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up

Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with the ten metre roll of bubble wrap he chucked at me. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. Six bloody hours it took me.

Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!

Woke up tonight to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed. First I was afraid, then I was petrified!

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work. Some nutter on the back of it shouting "We're all doomed. The end is nigh. The worlds gonna end today." Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.

People are often shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness. It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.

I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".

Met office advice, if you’re travelling today carry a shovel, blanket, spare warm clothing, a thermos flask with a hot drink, and a torch to attract attention. I looked a right idiot on the bus.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.

Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. It's not fir!

I used to disapprove of hitch-hiking but now I've decided to give it the thumbs up.

Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales. They won't get a weigh with it.

I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early. People kept winding me up.

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small. We're a very tight-knit community.

I asked an angler for some fishing advice but he just told me to sling my hook.

There’s a siege at the zoo. They’ve taken 3 ostriches.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home? He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.

Started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are through the roof!

Just passed an AA man in his van at the side of the road crying his eyes out. I thought he must be heading for a breakdown!

My budgie escaped from it's cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can l get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2338 on: January 07, 2019, 07:44 PM »
does  music  make  you  think??..........................  well it  made  Stevie  wonder

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2339 on: January 12, 2019, 01:38 AM »
a man said he was once told if he did what he loved he would never work a day in his life... so he went in drunk as a skunk and got fired on the spot