Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 510031 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2220 on: September 11, 2018, 05:07 AM »
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine.'
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2221 on: September 12, 2018, 08:44 PM »
a woman as a parrot but every time she takes her date home the parrot always  says "  some one is going to get lucky tonight " this upset her so she asked the vet about  it and he said " it is lonely  and  needs  a mate" so off she went to the petstore to find one all they had was an owl so she bought it hoping it might  work  the next night she took her date home sure  enough the parrot piped  out " some one is going to get lucky  tonight" and the owl said " who  who" " not you you bug  eyed  bitch" said the parrot..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2222 on: September 12, 2018, 10:09 PM »
a man was feeling  bored so he decided to take up fencing but the people next door said they would call the police  if he didn"t put it back.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2223 on: September 14, 2018, 10:59 PM »
a man said how he loves to pamper his wife when she"s had a stressful day  at work  when she phones to say i"m on my way home. i run the hot water put a little soap in and mix up all the bubbles  just perfectly  so when she comes through the door  the dishes are all piled  up ready for her..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2224 on: September 15, 2018, 04:12 AM »
i can always tell if a person is lying by looking at them.. i can always tell if they are standing too..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2225 on: September 16, 2018, 06:00 PM »
a mans wife said " she just wanted one child of each gender"the husband replied "why not just  one boy and one girl?" i don"t want to contribute  to over population"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2226 on: September 18, 2018, 03:16 AM »
ladies  beware  of  fat  men... they just want  to get in your  pantries

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2227 on: September 19, 2018, 01:59 AM »
Two men died and went to heaven.
God greeted them upon their arrival and said, “I’m sorry gentlemen but your mansions aren’t ready yet, Until they are, I can send you back to earth as whatever you want be.”
The first man said, “God, I want to be an eagle soaring above the scenery.”
“No problem”, said God and then POOF, he was gone!
Turning to the other man, he asked, “What do you want to be?”
With a huge grin on his face he said “I’d like to be a cool stud!”
“No problem,”said God and the man was gone.
A few months later, when their mansions were ready God sent an angel to fetch them.
“They’ll be easy to find,” said God.
“One will be soaring above the Lake District and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Scotland !”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2228 on: September 19, 2018, 02:00 AM »
I recently started at a new G.P. practice and went for an over 50 health check.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the Doctor said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 85 ?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor ?"

"Oh, not much grog these days and don't smoke" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued ribs ?"

'I said, "Not much. My former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex ?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why the f**k do you want to live to 85 ?"
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2229 on: September 19, 2018, 02:01 AM »
I impressed my history teacher today with my knowledge of Galileo..

I already knew that he was just a poor boy, from a poor family.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2230 on: September 19, 2018, 02:02 AM »
When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2231 on: September 20, 2018, 11:05 PM »
secretary' Mr. president  hurricane  Florence is causing  trouble " well offer her the same deal we made  with  stormy  Daniels" replied  Trump
   

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2232 on: September 21, 2018, 01:17 AM »
A young doctor moved to a small community to replace one who
was retiring. The older doctor suggested that he should accompany him on his rounds.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount and see if that works?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, How did you know?”
“I dropped my stethoscope on the floor & when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a dozen banana peels in the trash that was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Very clever I’ll try that at the next house.”
At the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did saying, “I’m feeling run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit & see if that helps.”
As they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well and she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at that?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the Priest under the bed.”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2233 on: September 22, 2018, 10:59 PM »
genie.. i will grant you 3 wishes. man i"ve seen this before whatever i wish for will come back  and bite me  somehow.. genie i promise that wont happen i am so sure i will grant you infinite wishes if it does man "okay i wish for a boomerang  with teeth.. genie"you son ............

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2234 on: September 23, 2018, 07:56 PM »
two  parrots  sitting  on a perch  one said to the other " hey do  you smell fish"?