Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 483052 times)

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1278
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2145 on: May 24, 2018, 08:03 PM »
as  i get  older i realize..  #1 i talk to myself because  there  are  times  i need  expert advice. #2 these days "on  time" is when i get  there.#3  lately i have  noticed  people  my age are so much  older  than me.#4  i have days when my life is a tent  away  from a circus.#5  i thought growing  older would take  longer.#6 aging  has  slowed me  down but it Hans"t shut me up.#7 i still haven't  learned  to  act my  age..

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2146 on: May 24, 2018, 11:34 PM »
A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Manchester bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologise, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want £100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts £100 in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2147 on: May 27, 2018, 11:44 PM »
 There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone..'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day andall night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,

Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day,

Made love to her all night,

Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows..

You can't kill Two Birds

With

OneStone !!!
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1278
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2148 on: June 01, 2018, 01:47 AM »
  i see  said  the blind  man,  when  he picked  up  his  hammer  and  saw..

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1278
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2149 on: June 01, 2018, 03:22 AM »
an Irishman was thrown out of a pub but he hit a wall and bounced right back in again his name  was rick O"Shea

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1278
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2150 on: June 04, 2018, 10:30 PM »
does  steel  wool  come  from ..    dodge  rams???

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2151 on: June 05, 2018, 10:53 PM »
A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2152 on: June 06, 2018, 04:28 AM »
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip… She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse’s flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Tesco’s trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2153 on: June 06, 2018, 04:32 AM »
The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.

He calls home. ‘Dad, you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.’

‘Bloody amazing!’ his Dad says. ‘Could we get Ol’ Blue into the program?’

‘No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,’ the young jackaroo says, ‘I’ll get him into the course.’

So father sends down the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. ‘So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome Dad! He’d talk ya bloody head off. But you just won’t believe this. He’s such a brilliant talker, they’d like him to have a go in the reading class!’

‘Read?’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol’ Blue into that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. He’s as good as in.’

As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.

At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem…When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.

When he arrives home his father is all excited. ‘Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy says, ‘It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still rooting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?”

The father groans and whispers, ‘I’ll have to shoot that bastard before he blabs to your Mother!’

‘I already did, Dad!’

‘Good boy!’

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2154 on: June 06, 2018, 04:35 AM »
 A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom. ‘I’m sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we’re gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.’

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane’s speed continues to decrease. Again the pilot gets on the intercom. ‘I hate to have to do this, but now we’re gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we’ll start with the letter ‘A’.

‘Africans, any Africans on board?’

No one answers

‘Ok then, ‘B’.

Black people, any black people?’

Again, silence.

‘C’ – Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. ‘But Mom, aren’t we African?, aren’t we Black? Aren’t we Coloured?’

‘Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.’
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2155 on: June 10, 2018, 10:52 PM »
An Ashton woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2156 on: June 12, 2018, 03:36 AM »
I stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker yesterday.
He said "Thanks for picking me up, but aren't you worried that I might be a serial-killer?"
"Not at all" I replied, "the chances of having two serial-killers in one car must be astronomical."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2157 on: June 14, 2018, 12:02 AM »
A man was slightly injured this morning when he fell into an upholstery machine.

He's recovered now.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2158 on: June 14, 2018, 12:07 AM »
Q: What have Theresa May and a UK three pin plug got in common?

A: They are both useless in mainland Europe.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2842
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2159 on: June 14, 2018, 04:32 AM »
An Old Florida Farmer Went To The Villages To See A Movie At The Town
Square.

The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder.

The old farmer said, “that’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck
goes.”

“I’m sorry sir,” said the ticket agent, “we can’t allow animals in the
theatre.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls…
Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned
his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge.. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”

“I thought so too”, said Mildred,

“But this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.