Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 482656 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2130 on: April 26, 2018, 04:37 AM »
Sad news. The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP
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KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2131 on: April 28, 2018, 05:03 PM »
if you find it too expensive  for ancestry d n a   kit there is a cheaper way.. announce  you won the lottery and you will find  relatives you never knew  you  had...cheers

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2132 on: May 01, 2018, 04:23 AM »
spring  is here, and the trees are  getting  their foliage  back,..    what a releaf

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2133 on: May 02, 2018, 02:27 AM »
New Survival Course

Attending the course were representatives from the SAS, Royal Marines, RAF Regiment and RMP’s. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up the SAS. They don infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.

"Excellent" says the Instructor.

Next the Royal Marines. They double towards the woods, then break up and enter. Complete silence for a while. Then out they come and double back with a live rabbit. “He says he can tell us where the rest are if you want any more.” reports the young 2nd Lt in charge.

“Impressive” says the Instructor

Next up RAF Regiment. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

“Bit messy, but, a result." says the Instructor.

Lastly, in RMP's, walk in slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, with a hedgehog in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this hedgehog back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes to hours, day turns to night. At midnight the Instructor and the rest are awakened by the redcaps, holding the hedgehog, now looking rather battered.

"Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate Instructor.

The team leader shoots a stern glance at the hedgehog, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a ***king rabbit!!!”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2134 on: May 03, 2018, 03:08 AM »
Squirrels in Church


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures; so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2135 on: May 03, 2018, 03:09 AM »
I have a speed bump phobia.

But I'm slowly getting over it.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2136 on: May 09, 2018, 12:10 AM »
A lorry crashed into a toll booth at the Mersey Tunnel. A team of workers turned up and they picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it and stuck it back together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the lorry driver to the workers. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2137 on: May 09, 2018, 12:10 AM »
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2138 on: May 09, 2018, 12:11 AM »
1981:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2005:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2018:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool are in another European Cup final
3. Someone let the Pope know!
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

brian seward

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2139 on: May 11, 2018, 08:58 PM »
Some one liners

You knew Einstein devloped a theory about space... and it was about time too!

How does the man in the moon cut his hair ? Eclipse it.

Living on earth may be expensive.. but at least you get a free trip around the sun every year !

I got these from a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put it down.
 

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2140 on: May 12, 2018, 06:50 PM »
a man asked  his boss " can i  have  a few  days  off being  as  it"s so  close  to  Christmas"? boss "it"s may" man "sorry  may i have a few days off being  as it"s so close to  christmas "?

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2141 on: May 14, 2018, 02:18 AM »
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

‘ Mommy ,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it…’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly,’I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2142 on: May 22, 2018, 04:19 AM »
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he got a call on his mobile phone.

He ordered drinks for everybody in the bar and announced his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugged, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2143 on: May 22, 2018, 04:21 AM »
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.
On January evening he came home to find a raven with its beak in a splint on his favourite chair.
On the dining table was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin.
And in the kitchen his wife was comforting a wren she had found in a snowdrift.
He strode over to where his wife was towelling the poor little bird and said, "I can't take it any more, you must get rid of these damn.....
His wife held up here hand to cut him off in mid-rant.
"Please dear, not in front of the chilled wren"
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2144 on: May 23, 2018, 07:40 PM »
nobody  ever ask "  how is coca  cola  doing "  its  always "is  Pepsi  okay"