Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 551729 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2115 on: April 11, 2018, 10:50 PM »
if you drop a duck egg on the floor will it quack???

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2116 on: April 17, 2018, 01:01 AM »
I was going to tell a joke about the number 288, but I can't.

It's too gross.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2117 on: April 17, 2018, 01:03 AM »
A nine year old girl has been reported missing.

She was last seen using a moisturiser guaranteed to make you look ten years younger.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2118 on: April 17, 2018, 01:03 AM »
I've got a brilliant step ladder. I'm just sad that I never knew my real ladder.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2119 on: April 17, 2018, 01:04 AM »
A horse walks into a bar, sits down beside a donkey, and orders a pint.
"You're a big lad" says the donkey, "did you win any races?".
"I've won the Derby and the Grand National" repies the horse.
Bloody hell, thinks the donkey, how can I match that?
He pulls up a picture of a zebra on his phone and shows it to the horse.
"Who's that?" asks the horse.
"That's me when I played as striker for Juventus" says the donkey!
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2120 on: April 17, 2018, 01:05 AM »
A woman is sat in church at her husband's funeral. A man in the pew behind leans over and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, please go ahead" replies the widow.
The man stands up, clears his throat and says "Plethora".
"Thank you," says the widow, "That means a lot".
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2121 on: April 17, 2018, 01:06 AM »
The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”...
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can s...ee that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: “Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: “Can you see his feet?”
Me: “Yes, I can!”
Her: “Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2122 on: April 17, 2018, 01:08 AM »
The Pope has announced that he will not pass judgement on priests who come out as gay.

In response, gay priests have said that they will not criticise the Pope for wearing mismatched robes and shoes.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2123 on: April 19, 2018, 02:11 AM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2124 on: April 20, 2018, 08:37 PM »
a police officer pulled a man over for speeding handed him a ticket . the man said what am i supposed to do with this ?the officer replied "save it when you get four you can get a bicycle"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2125 on: April 23, 2018, 09:19 PM »
 a boy said to his dad "im considering a career in organised  crime" his dad responded " with government or private  sector"?

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2126 on: April 24, 2018, 05:41 PM »
many  people who gets something that"s incomplete will worry. but the man who buys a guitar with no neck will not  fret....

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2127 on: April 25, 2018, 06:59 PM »
little girl said "daddy do all Fairytales begin with once upon a time "? oh no said  dad  lots begin with "if i am elected i promise..."?

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2128 on: April 25, 2018, 10:54 PM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2129 on: April 26, 2018, 04:36 AM »
I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco today complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he was suffering from a wrecked aisle dysfunction.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"