Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 490277 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2085 on: March 07, 2018, 01:29 AM »
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2086 on: March 07, 2018, 01:30 AM »
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2087 on: March 07, 2018, 01:30 AM »
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2088 on: March 07, 2018, 02:36 AM »
A wife came home late at night and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. Feeling betrayed that her husband had cheated on her she reached for a baseball bat and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she went to the kitchen to pour herself a large drink and found her husband there, reading a magazine.
He said, "Hi Darling, your parents have come to visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'Hello'?"
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2089 on: March 07, 2018, 02:37 AM »
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
(Wait for it....)

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald Duck!”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2090 on: March 07, 2018, 02:38 AM »
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
“Your Queenship,” he asked her, “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” replied Her Majesty, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Trump frowned. “But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?” he asked.

“Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied, “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here.”

The Prime Minister walked into the room. “You called for me, Your Majesty?”
“Answer me this, if you would, Theresa,” the Queen said.
“Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

“Mike, answer this for me,” said Donald.
“Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

“I'm not sure,” said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.”

“Sure, Mike,” Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks,” said Pence, “It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!”

Pence smiled, “Thanks!”

Pence then went back to speak with Trump.
“Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. “No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2091 on: March 07, 2018, 02:40 AM »
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard! ”

He shrugged and turned away saying,

"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2092 on: March 07, 2018, 02:41 AM »
Two nuns are driving through the forest in Transylvania in the fading light. Suddenly there is a SPLAT, and a huge hellish bat is stuck to the windscreen, blocking the view forwards. It has red eyes and pointed fangs. They both scream and the driver slams on the brakes, frantically turning on the wipers and pumping the squirters. The bat very slowly works its way across towards the driver's window. "Nothing's working! Do something, anything!" shouts the driver. "Show it your Cross!"


Her companion rolls down the window, leans out, takes a deep breath and shouts, "Get the f&%ck off the bloody windscreen!!!"
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2093 on: March 07, 2018, 02:41 AM »
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2094 on: March 07, 2018, 02:44 AM »
Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was first serialised in two UK local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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brian seward

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2095 on: March 08, 2018, 06:47 AM »
I'd noticed on my last visit home my 80 year old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven't changed much she said. Only difference is, before, he didn't listen. Now he can't".

I'm  in great shape.... unfortunately it's the shape of a potato !!

Humility?    When my grandad was born they passed out cigars, when my dad was born they passed out cigarettes, and when I was born they just passed out!

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2096 on: March 09, 2018, 02:17 AM »
I was hit on the head by a bottle of Omega 3 pills today.
Luckily my wounds were only -
Super Fish Oil
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KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2097 on: March 20, 2018, 03:50 AM »
my  mirror is broke at least it seems to be i discovered today an old man staring back at me..cheers

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2098 on: March 22, 2018, 06:50 PM »

A man orders a pint of less. What's less said the barman? I don't know but the doctor said I have to start drinking it..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2099 on: March 26, 2018, 02:02 PM »
man in police station " i wont say anything  untill i hsve my lawyer present"  officer " you are the lawyer" exactly so where is my present?