Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 449762 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2055 on: February 12, 2018, 12:28 AM »
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a muffin in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I am a 63 Yr old white male, all my life there has been two constants:
1. Africa needs money
2. Israelis and Palestinians hate each other
Apparently nowadays I'm responsible for both.​

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2056 on: February 12, 2018, 08:53 PM »
a lady  out  jogging saw an old  man sat on his porch so she stopped for a break  and asked the old man how  he  was  doing  oh  fine  he replied ive just  finished my bottle of jacks  and five  gigars  like ive  done since my  teens  thats  amazing  she  said  how  old  are  you??     27  he  replied

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2057 on: February 13, 2018, 03:41 AM »
I am a 63 Yr old white male, all my life there has been two constants:
1. Africa needs money
2. Israelis and Palestinians hate each other
Apparently nowadays I'm responsible for both.​

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2058 on: February 13, 2018, 09:45 PM »
The top 15 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 are:

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
I am a 63 Yr old white male, all my life there has been two constants:
1. Africa needs money
2. Israelis and Palestinians hate each other
Apparently nowadays I'm responsible for both.​

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2059 on: February 13, 2018, 09:50 PM »
The Magnificent Seven were booked to film some aftershave adverts in Liverpool, but only six of them showed up.

Yul never wore Cologne.
I am a 63 Yr old white male, all my life there has been two constants:
1. Africa needs money
2. Israelis and Palestinians hate each other
Apparently nowadays I'm responsible for both.​

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2060 on: February 14, 2018, 07:06 PM »
teacher.  we  found  drugs  in your  sons  backpack.  parent  wow  realy.. teacher  yes  its  very  concerning.  parent  it  sure  is he  should  have  sold  them  by  now...

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2061 on: February 15, 2018, 01:38 AM »
an englishman  having  a pint  with a scot  and irishman said we had a boy on st.  georges  day  so  we  named  him  george oh said the scot thats like  us  we had a son on st. andrewas  day and  called  him  andrew  thats  realy is a coincident  said the  irishman  i cant  wait  to get home  and  tell our  pancake..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2062 on: February 16, 2018, 12:10 AM »
the  ice  was  thin, the girl  fell  in, the boy  heard  her  shout  and  helped  her  out.    now they are  married thats  very  nice.  she  only  had  to break  the  ice....

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2063 on: February 17, 2018, 11:37 PM »
its  presidents  day  on  monday..  the president  will walk out of  the  whitehouse ,if he  seeshis own  shadow that  meens  one  more  year  of  bullshit....

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2064 on: February 17, 2018, 11:47 PM »
say   no  to  drugs  they  say,, i mean  if you  are  talking  to  drugs its  a little to  late  to  say  no

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2065 on: February 20, 2018, 07:17 PM »
mary   mary  quite   contrary  how  does  your  garden  grow?? you  silly  old   bat   i live   in  a  flat  how  the  hell  do  i  know?

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2066 on: February 21, 2018, 04:26 PM »
mary   mary   quite   contrary how does your garden  grow??  i must  beg your  pardon  they  dug up my  garden  that stuffs  illegal  you know..

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2067 on: February 22, 2018, 03:04 AM »
A store that sells new husbands has opened. Women may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
I am a 63 Yr old white male, all my life there has been two constants:
1. Africa needs money
2. Israelis and Palestinians hate each other
Apparently nowadays I'm responsible for both.​

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2068 on: February 22, 2018, 03:06 AM »
I am a 63 Yr old white male, all my life there has been two constants:
1. Africa needs money
2. Israelis and Palestinians hate each other
Apparently nowadays I'm responsible for both.​

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2069 on: February 22, 2018, 03:12 AM »

I am a 63 Yr old white male, all my life there has been two constants:
1. Africa needs money
2. Israelis and Palestinians hate each other
Apparently nowadays I'm responsible for both.​