Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 500247 times)

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1330
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2010 on: December 18, 2017, 05:11 AM »
i bet  you cant  breath  loudly  with your  mouth  open  and your  tongue  out...good  dog

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1330
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2011 on: December 19, 2017, 02:07 AM »
if  your happy  and  you  know  it ........please move  along to the theater  where  snow  white  and the  other  six  dwarves  are  waiting  for  you......

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1330
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2012 on: December 19, 2017, 05:53 PM »
sinks   cant  open   doors................................   let that  sink  in

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1330
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2013 on: January 08, 2018, 09:57 PM »
its  a small town not much happens  but one  day the  editor of the local  newspaper  heard tha the new  farmer  down the road ran his truck in a ditch and lost  2003  pigs so he sent a reporter  to check it  out when he got there the farmer was working on a fence so he walked over to him  and said we heard you  had an accident and lost some livestock the farmer a bit reluctamt  to  talk just  nodded his head we also heard it was 2003  pigs is that right  the farmer  frowns  and  nods  again  are  you  sure  it was 2003  pigsasked the reporter..  the farmer looking realy  upset nods  again.  well my editor  wanted me to check it out because it seems a lot  and" at this pointthe farmer was red faced and shouted   jeth  jeth  two thows three pigths

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1330
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2014 on: January 09, 2018, 12:52 AM »
girlfriend..i exspect  good manners when in bedlike at  dinner.  boyfriend crawls  slowly  into bed  and says  honey  will you  pass the  boobs  please..

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2015 on: January 09, 2018, 10:41 PM »
When You're A Marine

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"...
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches . . . but when you’re a Marine--- who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah -- She's pretty good lookin' . . . . . . "
When you’re a Marine -- who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but when you’re a Marine -- who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then . . . try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you’re a Marine -- who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re a Marine -- who cares?
**********
I went to our NAAFI disco last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you’re a Marine-- who cares?
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2016 on: January 09, 2018, 10:43 PM »
A wee granny telephoned the Royal Infirmary Hospital and timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?

"The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The granny in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Katie Findlay, Room 32". The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Katie is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood test just came back as normal, and her consultant, Dr. Sutherland, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow".

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Katie your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No - A'm Katie Findlay in Room 32. No one tells me anything in here."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2017 on: January 09, 2018, 10:44 PM »
Man goes up the reception desk of the sperm donation clinic. After filling in some paperwork the young female receptionist says "I'd like you to masturbate in the cup."
The man replies "Sorry, this is my first visit and I don't think that I'm ready for competition just yet."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2018 on: January 09, 2018, 10:48 PM »
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2019 on: January 09, 2018, 10:50 PM »
Luigi gets a job as a tour guide in his local village.

He takes the group to the harbour.
'You see all de boats in de harbour? Luigi built all those boats wiv is a bare handsa.
Do they call me Luigi da boat builder? No they donta call me Luigi da boat builder'.

He takes them to the village square.
'You see all de ouses in de square? Luigi built all those ouses wiv is a bare handsa.
Do they call me Luigi da ouse builder? No they donta call me Luigi da ouse builder'

He then takes them out to the fields.
'You see all de wheata in de fields? Luigi planted all that wheat wiv is a bare handsa.
Do they call me Luigi da farmer? No they donta call me Luigi da farmer'

'Luigi, he shaggada one sheep......'
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2020 on: January 09, 2018, 10:51 PM »
I met a japanese man who had faked his own death .
no-one bereaved him .
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2021 on: January 09, 2018, 10:55 PM »
An English father goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mummy and Daddy" on the bed.

With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:





Dearest Mummy & Daddy,



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice - especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big American motorcycle.



But it's not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the bush. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams, too. I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it only for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He really deserves it.



Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jahmal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene, and I get a £200 bonus if there are more than 3 men in the scene and an extra £100 for the sheep.



Don't worry, Mummy, now that I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Daddy so that you can meet your grandchildren.



Your loving daughter,



Sarah





P.S.. Daddy, it's not true - I'm watching television with Jessica and her parents next door.



I just wanted to show you that there really are far worse things in life than England losing The Ashes.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1330
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2022 on: January 13, 2018, 06:23 PM »
a  woman  from  newyork  was  driving  through a  remote  part of  arizona when  her  car  broke down an american  indian rode up on his  horse  and offered a ride to the small town where there was  a garage so she got on his horse and they rode off  every now and then the indian would let out a loud yell  he heheee  ha ha haaaa that it echoed around  the hills when they reached  the garage the indian let out one more  yell  he heheeeee  ha ha haaa dropped the woman off  and rode away the man at the  garage  said to the  woman  what did you do to make that indian so  excited she replied i just thanked him got on his horse put my arms around his waist and held on to the saddle horn  so i wouldnt  fall off lady  said the  man  indians  dont  use  saddles..

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2882
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2023 on: January 15, 2018, 11:47 PM »
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor.
“Doctor, I don’t feel too good,” said the little paper bag.
“Hmm, you look OK to me,” said the Doctor, “But I‘ll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.”
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
“What’s wrong with me ?” asked the little paper bag.
“I‘m afraid you are HIV positive!” said the doctor.
“No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag !” Said the little paper bag.
“Have you been having unprotected sex ?”asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?” asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?” queried the doctor.
“NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well”, said the doctor, “Are you in a Sexual Relationship ?”
“NO ! - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”
“Then there can be only one explanation.” said the doctor...
This is good - wait for it .... ... .... ..... ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Your mother must have been a carrier!”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1330
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2024 on: January 16, 2018, 03:04 AM »
a man just downed his drink at the bar  the bartender  said  i see your  glass is  empty  would you like  another  one?? why  the hell would i  want  another  empty  glass  he  replied???