Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 434840 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1980 on: November 28, 2017, 03:23 AM »
Mr Dave Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary sees him.

“Hello Mr Davis”, says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account".
“I have settled my bar bill” says Mr Davis.
“Ah yes Mr Davis”, says Mr Barnier, “but there are other matters that need settlement.”

In Mr Barniers office -

Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?
“Well Mr Davis” begins Mr Barnier, “you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets”.
“Yes” agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". “As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount”.
“That will not be possible” explains Mr Barnier. “As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets”!
“But you still want me to pay for it” exclaims Mr Davis.
“Yes” says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. “There is also your bar bill”.
"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.
“Yes” says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked. You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year". "You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".
"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis.
“No of course not Mr Davis”. "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.

“Next is your restaurant bill” continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers.Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".
"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr Davis.
“No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!”

“Then of course” Mr Barnier continues, “there are repairs to the clubhouse roof”
“Clubhouse roof” exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"
"Well, it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week, your share of the bill is £2000".
“I see” says Mr Davis, "anything else?"


“Now you mention it” says Mr Barnier, “there is Fred the Barman's pension. We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it".

"This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.

“Let me get this straight” says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.
"Piss off!" says Mr Davis

Now we understand what Brexit is all about !
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1981 on: December 01, 2017, 05:27 AM »
now  theres  self driving  cars its  only  natural that  some  country  singer  will write  a song  about his  truck  leaving  him

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1982 on: December 01, 2017, 08:43 PM »
the  night  was  dark  the  moon was  high we were together just  her and  i. her hair was  brown her  eyes  were blue, i knew  just  what  she  wanted to  do, so with  my hand  i did my  best,i ran my hand across her chest, her body was  good her hair  was finei ran my hand across her spine, i felt a shock and felt her  heart, slowly  she  spread  her legs  apart,i knew  she was ready but didnt  know  how, for this was my first  time  milking  a cow.......

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1983 on: December 04, 2017, 02:49 AM »
2 owls  sat on a branch  first  owl  said  i got  married  the  other  day  the other  owl  said   twit  to   who..

Fudge

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1984 on: December 04, 2017, 11:36 AM »
Q Whats White and goes up                      2 scroll down to view
   




A   A confused Snow Flake


Q What do elves learn at School






A The elf-a-bet

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1985 on: December 05, 2017, 06:10 AM »
a man said he and  his wife  use  the  pullout  method  for birth control they  pullout  thier  phones  and  dont speak to  eachother  all  night........

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1986 on: December 05, 2017, 11:58 PM »
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

ooo000ooo

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute..’

ooo000ooo

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

ooo000ooo

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

ooo000ooo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

ooo000ooo

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

ooo000ooo

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1987 on: December 06, 2017, 12:02 AM »
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1988 on: December 06, 2017, 12:03 AM »
A Chemist walks into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall. "Whats wrong with him" he asks his assistant.
He came in for cough syrup , but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" said the assistant.
"You stupid fool" exclaims the Chemist, "You cant treat a cough with laxatives".
"Of course you can" replies the assistant" look at him he’s too bloody scared to cough"
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1989 on: December 08, 2017, 02:37 AM »
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the toilet.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the toilet to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“What’s all the screaming about in there?

You’re scaring the customers!”

“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.

” With that the bartender opens the door to looks in and says… “You idiot!

You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1990 on: December 08, 2017, 08:15 PM »
students in a catholic school lining up for lunch there is a tray of  apples and a nun put a note on them  only  take  one  god  is  watching at the other end there is a tray of  chocolate  chip  cookies a student put a note on them  take as many  as you  want  god is watching  the  apples

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1991 on: December 11, 2017, 09:50 PM »
a man phoned the  animal  shelter and said i found six  kittens in a suitcase out in the woodstoday  the clerk said  are they  moving  he replied  i dont know  but  that  would  explain  the  suitcase

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1992 on: December 12, 2017, 03:42 AM »
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be f****d!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1993 on: December 12, 2017, 03:45 AM »
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked
‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’
‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!’
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1994 on: December 12, 2017, 03:48 AM »
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put £50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.