Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 431093 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1950 on: November 02, 2017, 02:00 AM »
TO CONTINUE………………..

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ??

Helloooooooooooooooo, her husband speaks English, Now get back to your emails.

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU LOT SOMETIMES ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1951 on: November 02, 2017, 02:06 AM »
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upmarket store and approached the saleslady in lingerie. "Do you have a size 29AAAAbra ?", The woman haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another store where she was rebuffed in much the same manner.  After a third try at another store in the mall she had become disgusted, leaving the mall, she got the tram to Primark. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling "Do you have anything for this?",  the lady looked closely and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil ?".
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1952 on: November 02, 2017, 02:17 AM »
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestlers trainer came to him and said ”Now don’t forget all the research we have done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of his “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do,do not let him get you in the hold! If he does your finished.
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him in the dreaded “Pretzel” hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly , there was a long, High pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked ”How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!".
The wrestler answered ”Well I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could”
The trainer exclaimed “That's what finished him off?”
“Not really, You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1953 on: November 02, 2017, 02:18 AM »
A father and son were going hunting together for the first time.

“Stay here and be very quiet,” said the father, “I’ll be across the field.”

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

“What’s wrong? I told you to be quiet.”

The boy replied, “Look, I was quiet then the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ I guess I just panicked.”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1954 on: November 02, 2017, 10:32 PM »
one  morning  mama  mole woke up and could smell pancakes so she crawled up the mole hole stuck her head out to smell the aroma of the pancakes  and  surup daddy mole squeezed at her side also and baby mole tried but there was no room  and he  started to  cry  whats wrong said mama  mole cant you  smell the  syrup?? no said baby mole  i can only  smell  molasses..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1955 on: November 07, 2017, 08:40 PM »
a cop  pulled  over  a miner and asked  whose car is this  where are you going and what do you do for a living???  the miner  replied  mine?

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1956 on: November 08, 2017, 12:21 AM »
sometimes  i  laugh   so  much  tears  run down  my  leg.....  author  unknown

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1957 on: November 08, 2017, 02:45 PM »
what do they call a peeping tom in  alaska??.........................tommytookalook

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1958 on: November 09, 2017, 02:07 AM »
What do they call a Samoan overstayer in Noo Zulland ?, Toolongaloafa  ;)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1959 on: November 09, 2017, 10:54 PM »
we  all knew that albert  einstein  was a genius  but his brother  frank  was a real  monster

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1960 on: November 09, 2017, 11:59 PM »
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an arsehole . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So my wife called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window which read "I support Jeremy Corbyn "

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1961 on: November 10, 2017, 12:04 AM »
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

“Tarzan not know sex” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said “Oh ,….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified Jane said, ” Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. “Here” she said, pointing to her privates, “you must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ” What did you do that for ?”

Tarzan replied, ” Tarzan check for bees”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1962 on: November 10, 2017, 12:11 AM »
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the US they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And Finally………………………

In New Zealand, they hung up, because they couldn’t understand the Indian accent.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1963 on: November 12, 2017, 08:05 PM »
christmas  is  just  like a day at the office,, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit  gets  all the  credit

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1964 on: November 12, 2017, 09:16 PM »
in the garden of eden  sat adam  massaging the breast of his  madam  he chuckled  with  mirth for he new that on earth  there were only  two  boobs  and he  had em