Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 434842 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1920 on: September 19, 2017, 02:21 AM »
a man gets  home  and finds  his  wife in bed  with  some  guy..  he  said  whats  this?? she turned  to her  lover  and said  i told  you  he was  stupid??

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1921 on: September 21, 2017, 04:47 AM »
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?ST.

FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1922 on: September 21, 2017, 04:52 AM »
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa (It's in Noo Zulland) . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take
everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1923 on: September 21, 2017, 04:54 AM »
Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

“What have you got there?”

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

“Pies, you Dumb Ass”

********************

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings’ horses,

And all the kings’ men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad……..

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1924 on: September 21, 2017, 05:04 AM »
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,’ how do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Nono’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’ s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to? ‘
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1925 on: September 21, 2017, 05:05 AM »
TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the ” Chrysler Beagle”?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer’ s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.

11. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions . . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1926 on: September 27, 2017, 02:32 AM »
 Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.’

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch…

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…’
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1927 on: September 27, 2017, 02:34 AM »
A couple of aliens, approaching earth gazed at the planet through their telescope, and saw the All Blacks doing the haka, you know…,
"Kamati, kamati….," Rather intrigued by this strange ritual, they sent down a probe and sucked up a quarter of their brains, to analyse and see what made them "tick".
It was totally inconclusive, so they went back to the telescope, and they saw the All Blacks were still at it. You know,
" Kamati, kamati………..," So they sent the probe down again, and sucked up another quarter of their brains for further analysis. Again, no conclusion. Back to the telescope, and there were the All Blacks, still doing the haka, you know….
" Kamati, kamati………………….," Weeeeell, to cut a long story short, they sent their probe down again, and sucked up a third quarter of their brains for analysis. And would you believe it, still no conclusion. They went back to the telescope again, and there were the All Blacks,

" W a l t z i n g M a t i l d a a a h …..,W a l t z i n g M a t i l d a a a a a h…"
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1928 on: September 27, 2017, 02:36 AM »
Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said ‘I want this room to be painted a light blue.’

The builder went to the front door and yelled ‘GREEN SIDE UP!’

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled ‘GREEN SIDE UP!’

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

The builder went to the front door and yelled ‘GREEN SIDE UP!’

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him ‘I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up;
what is that for?’

The builder said, ‘Oh don’t worry about that, I’ve just got a couple of Aussie’s laying the turf out front.’
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1929 on: September 27, 2017, 02:37 AM »
A young farm boy comes down for breakfast. His mother asks if he has done his chores.

‘Not yet,’ said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, ‘You gonna tell him or should I?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1930 on: October 02, 2017, 01:37 AM »
It was midnight, lock up time at the old country pub. As the staff cashed up and put the money into the safe, they washed the glasses and restocked the bar, Then, they heard a terrible sound. A chilling caterwauling could be heard echoing through the bar. As the dying fire made the polished horse brasses glint, glasses were shattering in the racks above the bar. Corks popped from bottles, released champagne gushed...and then, they saw it.

A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.

"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"

The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...

"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1931 on: October 02, 2017, 10:38 PM »
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1932 on: October 10, 2017, 12:53 AM »
 AN OLDER  MAN  IN THE GYM  ASKED THE TRAINER WHAT  MACHINE  SHOULD I  USE  TO  GET THE  HOT  GIRLS??  THE  A T M  IN THE LOBBY SAID THE TRAINER..

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1933 on: October 18, 2017, 11:29 PM »
A group of preschoolers were trying hard to not talk baby talk. The teacher insisted that they use “Big People” words.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on the choo- choo,”
She said “No, you took a ride on the TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”
Then she asked Alec what he had done?
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SHIT.”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1934 on: October 18, 2017, 11:43 PM »
A miserable Aussie dies and goes to hell and Satan wants to make an example of him, so he sets the Aussie to work breaking rocks with a sledge hammer in the hottest and most humid area of hell.

After a few days, Satan checks up on the Aussie and sees that he's swinging away, happy as Larry.

Satan asks the Aussie " aren't you miserable?,“ you're working in the hottest and most humid area in Hell ?".

The Aussie replies " This is just like summer in Cairns and I love it!!!",“ makes me feel so homesick".

This frustrates Satan and so he adjusts the conditions so that rain pours down all day, everyday.

After a few days, Satan checks up on the Aussie and sees that he's working away, dragging a wheelbarrow full of rocks, whistling his favourite tune, as happy as ever.

Satan's blood starts to boil and once again he asks the Aussie "aren't you miserable yet?, “ you're working in the wettest and most miserable conditions in Hell?".

The Aussie replies "All this rain reminds me of working in Darwin in the wet season and I love it!!!,“ makes me feel so homesick".

"ll fix this fella" says Satan and so he drops the temperature in hell to minus 50 degrees and soon there is snow and ice and blistering wind all around.

After a few days, Satan checks up on the Aussie and sees that he's whooping it up and dancing around crying "Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!!,“ You little beauty!!!".

"What the hell are you doing?" roars Satan.

"Hell has finally frozen over, so the Wallabies must have won the Bledisloe Cup!!!!! “Cries the Aussie".
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.