Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 422289 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1905 on: August 30, 2017, 12:33 AM »
Abdul was flying in a private aircraft about to do his first solo sky dive. He starts to get nervous and asks his instructor “So what do I do again if my parachute doesn’t open?”
His instructor lays his hand on his shoulder and explains that all he has to do is pull his reserve parachute. This didn’t calm him and a few minutes later he asks “Well what if my Reserve shoot doesn’t open?”
“Well all you can do is shout up to Allah and ask him to save you.” replies the instructor. Being a religious person this calmed him down and ten minutes later he jumped out of the aircraft.

After a few minutes of free-fall he tries to pull his parachute and it doesn’t release. Panicking, he pulls the reserve and the same happens. just in the nick of time he remembers what he was told and shouts: “Please help me Allah! Please don’t let me die!”
All of a sudden a big brown hand appears from the sky, catches him and lowers him to the ground. Abdul can not believe his luck and cries “Thank Christ for that!”

A big brown foot comes down and squashes him.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1906 on: September 01, 2017, 05:16 PM »
i have a step  ladder...            i never  met my  real   ladder.  cheers

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1907 on: September 06, 2017, 11:24 PM »
Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them,I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah ha!” the second cannibal replies. “There’s your problem; those are friars.”
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1908 on: September 06, 2017, 11:37 PM »
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

8. See. You’re smiling already.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1909 on: September 06, 2017, 11:38 PM »
In flight event – reported in a recent BA flight log

After British Airways flight BA293 reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is John Stirk – your captain for today. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York JFK to Manchester . The weather ahead is good, and we have a following jet-stream, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight, arriving 30 minutes before our scheduled landing time. So sit back, relax and ………… OH, JESUS CHRIST!”

Absolute petrified silence followed from all the 225 passengers!

A few seconds later, the captain came back on the intercom:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!”

One relieved passenger broke the silence, and shouted back:

“You should see the back of mine mate!”
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1910 on: September 06, 2017, 11:40 PM »
Daffy duck on a dirty weekend, calls reception and asks for a condom.

The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies…

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate !
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1911 on: September 06, 2017, 11:53 PM »
Cannibal Restaurant — A cannibal was walking through the
jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked
over the menu:

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
‘Why such a price difference for the Politicians?’
The cook replied, ‘Have you ever tried to clean one?
They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning.’
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1912 on: September 07, 2017, 12:00 AM »
 Different Cops
Question: How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a New Zealand Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer: Pose the following question:

‘You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a 9mm pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?’

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER’S Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in an H&S approved fashion?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 1-1-1; would they just send me a taxi?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

Will the Australian tax payer foot the bill for his compo claim if I injure him?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?

Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I be offending his human rights if I wound or kill him?

Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him?

———————————————————————-

NZ OFFICER’S Answer:

BANG!

———————————————————————-

AMERICAN OFFICER’S Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!

Click….(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!

Click.

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?’
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1913 on: September 07, 2017, 12:22 AM »
A true story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.

There is a moral to this story; but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh…if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly…and I will grab him!”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….

Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish leaps for it…that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake; but I can tell you there’s more….

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish…the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime)’
“Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..and that fish jumps for that fly … and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that
bear…and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich …then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish… The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the
mouse.. The mouse ducks…The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: ?

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1914 on: September 10, 2017, 01:49 AM »
the chicken is  offended evan after all the jokes the crossing on the road  is named  after a zebra

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1915 on: September 10, 2017, 03:31 PM »
the chicken is  offended evan after all the jokes the crossing on the road  is named  after a zebra
I just don't get that.....  Kennetho ?

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1916 on: September 14, 2017, 11:14 PM »
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country he was searching for one.

A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh, went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened matchbox, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh, went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh, Whooooosh. But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well," he replied, "circumcision is not meant to kill."
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1917 on: September 14, 2017, 11:16 PM »
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about this problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia.

“Aha!” mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

“Ahhha!” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants to see if he was still in pain. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc’s office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

“Gee, Doc, what did you do?” he asked.

The doc replied, “I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.”
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1918 on: September 14, 2017, 11:19 PM »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1919 on: September 14, 2017, 11:30 PM »
Updated Lyrics

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin :
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.

Herman’s Hermits :
Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr :
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees — – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip..

Roberta Flack:
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash :
I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon:
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores :
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye :
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem:
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer :
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations :
Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba:
Dent ure Queen.

Tony Orlando :
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy :
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore:
It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least:

Willie Nelson :
On the Commode Again
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.