Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 417694 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1890 on: August 03, 2017, 11:15 PM »
Some of these are great  :)


Apocryphal Metaphors from Student Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
3. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
5. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
6. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
7. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
8. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
9. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
10. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
11. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
13. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
14. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
15. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
16. The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
20. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”
21. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
22. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
23. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
25. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
26. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1891 on: August 03, 2017, 11:17 PM »
Nursery school teacher says to her class"who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?
First a little girl in the back of the class says "The sky is definitely blue"" Teacher says "Sorry Anne , but the sky can be grey or orange….
Second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" Sorry" says the teacher "but in the Autumn the trees are brown"
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says… "Johnny of course not!!!
O.K. …then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…"
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1892 on: August 04, 2017, 02:55 AM »
Late 1960s.
Man goes in to a scrapyard and asks if they have a mini subframe.
"Yes."
"How much?"
"£12 10s."
"The scrapyard down the road is only asking £10."
"Well, buy one from him, then."
"But he hasn't got any . . . "
"Ours are only £10 when we haven't got any, too."
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1893 on: August 04, 2017, 03:09 AM »
A man got ran over by a red lorry then a yellow lorry then a red lorry then a yellow lorry.
The police said there was no easy way to tell his family......
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1894 on: Today at 02:58 AM »
Did you hear about the Mexican fireman whose wife had bouncy twin boys?

He called one of them Jose, and the other....












Hose B.
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1895 on: Today at 02:58 AM »
Two explorers treking through on the jungle around upper amazon, come across a small collection of huts. These huts appear to be home to a tribe no-one has ever seen before, and they met the explorers with a bit of curiosity.

Through the traditional hand waving and repeating words, the explorers explained that they were called Brian and David. They stood in front of the Chief of the village and asked his name. "Lucy" was the reply, and repeating the same process they determined that the witch doctor was also called Lucy. Working through a few others in the tribe, it turns out they are all called Lucy.

Brian says to David "I think the old waving hands and repeating words is not working here".
David looks back at him and says "There is an alternative solution, it could be a Lucy nation...."
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1896 on: Today at 02:59 AM »
A man went fishing in the river. After a while he had a bite, and reeled in a large salmon.
"This will be my dinner tonight" said the man. Suddenly he heard a voice "Please don't eat me". The man shocked, said "Who said that?" The voice replied "Me, I said it. The fish you are holding".
Totally stunned, the man asked "You can talk?". The Salmon replied, "yes, and I am a very rare breed, the last of my kind. If you kill me there will be no talking salmon left".
"Do you have a name?" asked the fisherman.
"Yes, I am Rusty" said the fish.
"Well" said the man "what will you do if I let you go?"
"The fish said "I plan to write books about shipwrecks. If you let me go I will give you a signed copy of the first book".
"Deal" said the man, then placed Rusty back in the water.
A few years later the man was at the riverbank fishing, and he had a bite. Reeled in the line and he saw a big salmon hanging there.
"Hello again" said the fish, "Good to see you again".
Surprised, the man said "Rusty! How are you? What are you doing here?"
"Well" said the fish "I have finished the first book. It's a book of poems about the shipwreck Titanic. I will give you a signed copy as promised"
"Thank you " said the fisherman. "What's it called?"
The fish replied "Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty".
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1897 on: Today at 03:02 AM »
Browsing through ebay and saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1898 on: Today at 03:02 AM »
Browsing through ebay and saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.

Reminded me of the time I dropped a litre bottle of Tippex.

Big mistake.
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.

Kiwi

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  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1899 on: Today at 03:05 AM »
A father texts his son:

"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:

"I know."
The Saxon is not like those Euros. His manners are not so polite.
But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.
When he stands like an ox in the furrow--with his sullen set eyes on your own,
And grumbles, 'This isn't fair dealing,' my son, leave the Saxon alone.