Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 559470 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1860 on: June 27, 2017, 03:08 AM »
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, w ho has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, ‘WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP ano t her and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.’

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, ‘Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.’
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1861 on: June 28, 2017, 03:38 AM »
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news”.
“Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I’d better have the bad news first?”
The Sarge says, “I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is?
The Sarge says, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.”
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crayfish and four or five big crabs in it.
“Geez thanks Mates! They’re bloody beauties! I guess it’s an ill wind and all that … So what’s the other possible good news?”
“Well”, the Sarge says, “if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1862 on: June 28, 2017, 03:48 AM »
Only in England? I think not!!!!!

Don’t you wish that you had written this?

Dear Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence inLondon. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services.

However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am — you know, someone like my doctor… who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago.

WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN !?!?!

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1863 on: June 28, 2017, 04:11 AM »
A Kiwi emigrateed to Oz and opened up a petrol station. To increase its sales, he put up a sign saying, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’

Soon a local, Bill, pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The Kiwi told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Bill then guessed 8, and the Kiwi said, ‘You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.’

A week later, Bill and his mate Bluey pulled in for a fill-up at the same station. Again Bill asked for his free sex.
Again he got the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Bill guessed 2 this time.
Again the Kiwi said, ‘Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.’
As they were driving away, Bill said to his mate Bluey, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.’

Bluey replied, ‘No it ain’t Bill. It ain’t rigged — my missus won twice last week.’
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1864 on: June 28, 2017, 08:28 PM »
You are getting Better Kiwi...... thank you

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1865 on: July 17, 2017, 05:09 AM »
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and the barman asks 'What will you have?'
'A gin' replies the bear.
The barman walks off and comes back with a gin and puts it down in front of him.
'...and tonic.' finishes the bear.
'What's with the big pause?' asks the barman.
The bear looks down and says 'I don't know, my Dad had them too.'
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1866 on: July 17, 2017, 05:09 AM »
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.
So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1867 on: July 17, 2017, 05:12 AM »
I find mountains incredibly funny.

Probably because they're hill areas.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1868 on: July 17, 2017, 05:14 AM »
"Noah!"

"Yes Lord?"

"Build me an ark."

"But Lord, I already did that."

"Build another one, this time with seven decks.

"Seven decks?"

"Yes, seven. And ensure that the lowest deck is watertight, fill it with water and put in some carp."

"Carp? Very well, as you wish, Lord. And the second deck?"

"Water and carp, likewise the third deck."

"My I venture a guess, Lord? Also the other four decks: water & carp?"





"Yes, Noah. I require a multi-storey carp ark."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1869 on: July 17, 2017, 05:16 AM »
I wish my wife would make her mind up. Last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo.




Today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the back garden.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1870 on: July 20, 2017, 02:40 AM »
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice,’ he says.

The Ocker, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

‘Well mate, in Strailya we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass either,’ he says.

The Kiwi, cool as a cool thing, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Aussie.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, ‘In Noo Zuld mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1871 on: July 20, 2017, 02:41 AM »
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts, ‘Dinnae drink tha waater! Et’s fu’ ae coo’s shite an pish!’

The man replies,
‘My Good fellow, I’m from England . Could you repeat that in English for me’

The keeper replies,

‘I said, use two hands – you spill less that way!!!
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1872 on: July 20, 2017, 02:43 AM »
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students? what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, ‘E-G-G’.

‘Very good’, says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. ‘T-O-A-S-T’.

‘Excellent.’

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. ‘I had Bugger all’, he says, ‘B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L’.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada and Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada’s east coast.

When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, ‘Where is the Pakistani border?’

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, ‘The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That’s why I got Bugger all for breakfast’.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1873 on: July 20, 2017, 02:48 AM »
 An Auckland couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed.”

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision — why, after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1874 on: July 20, 2017, 02:54 AM »
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in
the face and says:
“I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!”
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
“I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says:
” I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says…………….

“Grandpa!…… Go home! You’re drunk!”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"