Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 431300 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1650 on: April 21, 2017, 02:37 AM »
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from inside screams:
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,


“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1651 on: April 21, 2017, 02:38 AM »
“Jesus Loves You.”



Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1652 on: April 21, 2017, 02:41 AM »
NEVER P*** OFF A NURSE
A big shot lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a right royal pain to the nurses because he ordered them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing…..
After about 20 minutes, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”


After a pause, the doctor confessed….. “Not with a daffodil.”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1653 on: April 21, 2017, 02:44 AM »
 Ritchie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down. “What’s up guys?” he asks.

“Well Ritchie, to be honest we’re having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia . We know it’s important but we’ve just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let’s be honest, it’s only the Aussies this week. They’re crap and we simply can’t be bothered”.

Ritchie looks at them and says “Okay guys, I hear what you’re saying. The way I’ve been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don’t you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself”

The rest of the team reckon it’ll work and they agree. So Ritchie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.

A huge cheer goes up as the screen reads (after 10 minutes): “New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) — Australia 0”

Dammit, he’s actually beating Australia all by himself. Surely he can’t do it, can he?

Anyway, a few more beers later, the telly goes off and the game is temporarily forgotten until someone suddenly remembers, “Heck, It must be full time now, let’s see how Ritchie got on”. They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly.

There on the screen is the result: Full-time from Eden Park,: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper 1 conversion.)

They can’t believe it! It’s a draw. Ritchie v Australia and he single-handedly managed a draw against the Aussie Wallabies!

Delighted, they rush back to Eden Park to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down guys,” he mumbles disconsolately. “I’m so sorry, but I’ve really let you down.”

“Don’t be an idiot skipper; you got a draw against Australia, all alone, all by yourself. And they only scored a single try, right at the death, after 79 minutes!”

“No, no, I have” says Ritchie. “I’ve let you down. I hope you can forgive me. Twenty minutes from full time, I got sent off!
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1654 on: April 21, 2017, 02:47 AM »
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and A half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, What causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned, ” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and Apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here

That the Pope does.”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1655 on: April 21, 2017, 02:52 AM »
A tough old sheep farmer from northern England gave some advice to his granddaughter back at the start of the Great War in 1914.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her breakfast every morning.
The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 109.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1656 on: April 21, 2017, 04:46 PM »
Was that one in the Dandy or Beano Xmas annual ?

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1657 on: April 21, 2017, 11:50 PM »
A MANS  WIFE  SAID I WOULD  LIKE  ANOTHER  BABY  THE MAN REPLIED  I  AGREE THIS ONE  IS  BLOODY  ANOYING ....

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1658 on: April 22, 2017, 09:43 PM »
went to share a bag of crisps with a homeless man  today  he told md to piss off and buy your own...

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1659 on: April 22, 2017, 09:48 PM »
a man went to have his  passport  renewed  clerk  full name please  ppppppeter  rrrryan  sorry replied the clerk  are you a  stuttererno said the man my dad was and the man who made out my birth cdrtificate  an  arseole,,  cheers

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1660 on: April 23, 2017, 12:18 AM »
a woman on trial  for  beating  her  husband  to death with his  guitar  collection  first  affender  asked  the judge??  no replied the wife  first  a gibson  then a  fender...cheers

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1661 on: April 23, 2017, 09:00 PM »
THE FIRST  COMPUTER  CAN BE TRACED BACK  TO  ADAM AND EVE  YES IT WAS AN  APPLE  WITH VERY  LITTLE  MEMORY  JUST  ONE  BYTE THEN  EVERYTHING  CRASHED ......CHEERS

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1662 on: April 24, 2017, 03:52 AM »
A MAN WOKE UP ONE MORNING FEELING UPSET ABOUT THE FIGHT HE HAD WITH HIS WIFE THE NIGHT BEFORE AFTER  DRINKING  SO HE GOT YHE DMPTY BOTTLES AND TOOK THEM OUTSIDE TO SMASH THEM ON THE WALL AS HE SMASHED THE FIRST BOTTLE HE SAID YOUR THE REASON I FIGHT WITH MY WIFE HE SMASHED THE SECOND AND SAID YOUR THE REASON I DONT LOVE  MY KIDS AND WITH THE THIRD BOTTLE HE SAID YOUR THREASON I DONT HAVE A GOOD  JOB AS HE PICKED UP THE FOURTH BOTTLE HE SAW IT WAS FULL AND SEALED SO HE PLACED IT DOWN AND SAID YOU SIT THERE I KNOW YOU  WERENT  INVOLVED....

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1663 on: April 24, 2017, 09:33 PM »
wife  i have  blisters on my hands with using the  broom...  husband  well  next time  use  the car  dont be  silly....cheers

LCGI

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Boobs vs. Willies
« Reply #1664 on: April 25, 2017, 12:24 AM »


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'