Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 364497 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1590 on: March 20, 2017, 09:54 PM »
Two young lovers died in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they asked St. Peter if they could still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months passed before Peter returned. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asked, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answered, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1591 on: March 20, 2017, 09:55 PM »
During a lull between speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words !!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise that he just speaks the words - he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1592 on: March 20, 2017, 09:56 PM »
Paddy takes his son to the zoo when they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said "That elephant over there can tell how old you are with just one look."
Paddy's son shouts over " How old am I Mr Elephant?"
The elephant looks back at Paddy's son and stamps his foot 6 times.
"Wow!" says Paddy "That's right my boy is 6 years old , so he is."
So Paddy shouts over to the elephant "Well how old am I Mr Elephant?"
The elephant looks back at Paddy, breaks wind and stamps his foot twice.
Paddy say's "Bejesus, he's only got it flippin’ right! I'm farty two."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1593 on: March 20, 2017, 10:02 PM »
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his hand?





Doug!





What do you call a guy without a shovel in his hand?





Dougless!




What do you call a man who keeps rabbits up his bum?

Warren.



What do you call a bloke with seagulls nesting on his head?

Cliff



What do you call a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other?

A Trifle deaf



What do you call a man in the water with no arms or legs?

Bob................




What do you call a Mexican woman with only one tooth?
.
.
.
.
Juanita.



What do you call a man with no ears?

Anything you like, he can't hear you...


What are engineers?
(Best that this question is spoken rather than written due to the spelling.)

Things that engines listen with.



What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

Reg.




What do you call a man who asks you for money?

Bill!



what do you call an -
asian lady with one short leg .......................irene
asian lady with equal length legs ..................noreen



What do you call two guys standing by the window??

Kurt 'n Rod



What do you call a Japanese girl with a food-mixer on her head?

Blenda............



What do you call a man who can`t stand?

Neil




And..............

Dont forget the lady balancing two pints of beer on her head and a snooker cue in her hand.


Beertrix Potter
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KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1594 on: March 23, 2017, 01:57 AM »
a homeless man  found a wallet with cash inside  he thought being a good  christian that i am what would  jesus  do?? so he  turned it in  to      wine

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1595 on: March 23, 2017, 04:38 PM »
a man asked an old  american  indian  what is your  wifes name ?? the indian  replied  my  wifes  name  is  five   horses   thats an unusual name for your wife the man  said well its an  old  indian  name it means  NAG  NAG  NAG  NAG  NAG  replied  the  indian...cheers

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1596 on: March 24, 2017, 06:20 PM »
DEFINITIONS      adult.. a person who has  stopped  growing  at both  ends and is  now  growing  in the  middle     committee  a body  that keeps  minutes  and wastes  hours... dust   mud  with  the juice  squeezed  out,,,,  wrinkles....  something  other  people  have  similar to  my character  lines .....yawn...an  honest opinion  openly  expressed...and  tomorrow...one of todays greatest  labour  saving  devices,,,  cheers

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1597 on: March 25, 2017, 06:00 PM »
you  know you  are  a  real  adult    whsn your  back  goes  out   more  than  you  do.. kennetho

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1598 on: March 27, 2017, 01:50 AM »
Which spiral has the KitKat ??


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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1599 on: March 27, 2017, 01:50 AM »
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.

What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1600 on: March 27, 2017, 11:37 PM »
a blonde goes in tim  hortons gets a coffee and they have roll up  the  rim  after she drinks the coffee she rolls up the rim  and  shouts  i won a motorhome  i won a motorhome the waiter goes to her and saidthe biggest  prize  is  a car  no  no  said  the blond screaming  i  won a  motorhome so the manager  comes  out and tells her there is no motor home  as a prize so you cant have  won one no  she yelled look i won a motorhome the manager took the cup and looked were it said wonabagel..   cheers

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1601 on: March 28, 2017, 02:50 AM »
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to check. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my private parts.”

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1602 on: March 28, 2017, 03:37 AM »
Our local ice-cream man was found dead in his van, lying on the floor with strawberry sauce oozing from his head, which was covered in sprinkles. The poor guy also had a flake sticking out of his ear. The police initially suspected he’d been murdered, but they’ve since come to believe there was no-one else involved. He topped himself.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1603 on: March 28, 2017, 03:41 AM »
Two cows in a paddock watching the traffic go by.
One cow says “moooo”.
The other cow says ” I was going to say that’.

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?

A. Look here come a herd of elephants.

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

A. Nothing. He couldn’t recognise them.

**
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

**
Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is one two three, & the other’s name is un deux trois.

Who makes it across?

One two three, because un deux trois cat sank.

**
What’s blue & smells like red paint?

Blue paint.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1604 on: March 28, 2017, 03:43 AM »
A Plumber dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

“Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I’m a Plumber.

“Congratulations for what?”, says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The Plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter, “We’ve added up all your time sheets.”
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