Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 571328 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1140 on: October 12, 2015, 02:33 AM »
Jurgen Klopp has stated that Liverpool will be his greatest challenge.

That may be true Jurgen, but you have to manage the football club as well.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1141 on: October 12, 2015, 02:35 AM »
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this."
"Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1142 on: October 12, 2015, 03:24 AM »
thanks keep em rolling cheers

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1143 on: October 17, 2015, 09:57 PM »
I see clippity klopp got his first point at spurs..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1144 on: October 18, 2015, 08:45 PM »
smiles laughs and funnies needed..

ayess

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1145 on: October 19, 2015, 01:47 AM »
Bill the Bushy was loading cartons of beer into the tray of his ute. A slinky blonde came up and asked if he would like to 'play around' for a dozen bottles of beer. "What sorta beer have you got" asked Bill.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1146 on: October 19, 2015, 03:30 AM »
England prepare for the quarter finals.

My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Bardsleycrow

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1147 on: October 19, 2015, 05:34 AM »
Young couple in bed.She says happy birthday darling,I would give you a kiss like last year but that took nine months to get over it.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1148 on: October 22, 2015, 02:17 AM »
At the Annual Sales Convention the Chairman asked for questions from the attendees.
A young salesman puts up his hand and asks,''why are junior salesmen given only, two door, cars''?
Quick as a flash the Chairman replied, ''Because there are no, one door, cars''!
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1149 on: October 22, 2015, 02:18 AM »
Customer. Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?
Waiter. Don't know sir, we never measure it.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1150 on: October 22, 2015, 02:20 AM »
An Englishman walks into a bar.

Usually there's a Seth Efrican, an Aussie and a Kiwi in this gag too but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1151 on: October 22, 2015, 02:23 AM »
I've just seen a great offer on Amazon - if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand & deliver.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

ayess

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1152 on: October 28, 2015, 05:54 AM »
News Flash to Kiwi!!!!
And now there is only an Aussie and a Kiwi in the bar. Funny that the World Cup was played in Pommirania and the last four teams all came from South of the Equator (that's a menagerie lion that runs round the globe) Ayess

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1153 on: October 28, 2015, 11:56 PM »
To be honest I can't stand the game or the hype that goes with all the over commercialised tribal nonsense, when the game starts at daft o'clock Sunday morning I'll either be checking out the insides of me eyelids or looking out for this big bugger !! 
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1154 on: October 29, 2015, 03:44 AM »
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.