Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 577047 times)

sooty

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #210 on: April 18, 2011, 09:31 PM »
Newly married couple,the husband remembers his fathers advice ,so he throws his trousers over to his wife and say,s put them on,she says do,nt be silly they are far to big and won,t fit,Exactly he say,s i wear the trousers in this house.His wife throws her knickers over to him and says put them on.he says do,nt be daft they are far to small i,ll never get into them.Exactly she says and you never will unless you change your attitude.
Hard work never killed anyone-but it made some funny shapes.

sooty

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #211 on: April 19, 2011, 08:31 PM »
The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes honestly it,s true!
She pressed"control"and "enter"
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm,
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I,ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind,I,ve even used the internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found "online".
So,if inside your "in-box"
My Grandma you should see,
Please "copy,Scan and paste"her
And send her back to me.

Hard work never killed anyone-but it made some funny shapes.

sooty

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #212 on: April 19, 2011, 08:41 PM »
He said to his wife, What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
She say,s ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
Hard work never killed anyone-but it made some funny shapes.

paul_b

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #213 on: May 01, 2011, 11:01 PM »

Bardsleycrow

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #214 on: May 20, 2011, 10:12 AM »
Hiker. Going through Highlands in Scotland stops for a drink out of stream down on his knees scooping the water with one hand.He hears a voice looking round he sees a Gillie.The Gillie shouts out hey laddie don't drnk that water its poisond by the animals using it to wee and poo in.Hiker replies sorry I dont understand you i'm English,the Gillie replies use both hands it's faster.
Kevin


















Vanessa

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #215 on: May 26, 2011, 03:55 PM »

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?
Headlines from Newspapers
 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter   


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
      Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
       Now that's taking things a bit far!

  -----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
       What a guy!   
--------------------------------------------------------------- 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------ 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
  ----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace 
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
   Ya think?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
      Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
  ----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
     He probably IS the battery charge!
---------------------------------------------- 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------   

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
 ---------------- --------------------------------- 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
       Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
       Boy, are they tall!
 ******************************************* 

And the winner is.... 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
 
     Did I read that right?
***************************************************


Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #216 on: May 27, 2011, 05:05 AM »
Ryan Giggs says he gets homesick, he likes Manchester but he does Miss Wales occasionally.

My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #217 on: May 30, 2011, 02:32 AM »
DNA matching of bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar and 6% milk.




Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Ashtonian54

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #218 on: May 30, 2011, 11:00 PM »
DNA matching of bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar and 6% milk.




Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head.

Smile generated

Thanks

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #219 on: June 17, 2011, 06:44 PM »
the difference 34 years make           1977 long hair   2011 longing for hair   1977  acid rock   2011  acid  reflux  1977  rolling  stones  2011 kidney stones   cheers  kenneth o

greeny

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #220 on: June 29, 2011, 05:44 PM »
hi went to the chinese takeaway the other day picked my order up put in the back of the car and drove home on my way i heard a rufflle and two eyes looking at me out of the bag of food i ordered ,i slowed down and looked again nothing to be seen , started on my journey home and the bag ruffled again and two eyes were looking at me again , i turned the car round and went back to the chinese take away took the bag of food in and asked for the manager , i explained to him what had happened , he looke inside the bag of food and said its allright its only a  ;PEEKING DUCK  ;D

chrisandangie

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #221 on: July 22, 2011, 11:10 AM »
A chinese couple have just had an albino baby. It just goes to show, two wongs CAN make a White  ;D
If it sounds too good to be true,it probably is!

Vanessa

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #222 on: July 25, 2011, 07:24 PM »

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Vanessa

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #223 on: July 26, 2011, 08:51 PM »


A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'
With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Some day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren..

Love, your son, Nicholas.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #224 on: August 01, 2011, 09:20 PM »
more  smiles  wanted apply within cheers  kennetho