Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 555597 times)

Ashtonian54

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Dan Antopolski - winner
« Reply #60 on: August 25, 2009, 03:42 AM »

Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

Nan

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #61 on: August 25, 2009, 03:41 PM »
                                                    NEWS ARTICLE

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are very sensitive, and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me explain how I handled the situation with my wife Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to take a full-time job as we needed the extra cash.

Shortly after she began working, I noticed that she was showing her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets in from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest a while before preparing the evening meal. I don`t shout at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time, and just wake me when it`s on the table. I have lunch at the pub but am ready for some home-cooked food when I get in.

She used to wash the dishes as soon as we had finished, but now they often stay on the table for some time after our meal. I do what I can by tactfully reminding her several times that they won`t wash themselves. She really appreciates this motivation and does them before going to bed.

Another example of ageing is that she finds it hard to do the shopping in her lunch break, so I smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over a few days. That way, she won`t have to rush so much, and even if she misses lunch completely sometimes, it won`t hurt her. I like to think that tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs she seems to need to rest more. She now has to rest when she`s only half way through mowing the lawn, and has to rest several times when she`s hoovering through the house. It annoys me when I`m watching Match of the Day, but I try not to make a scene. I`m a fair man, and tell her to make herself a cup of tea and sit down for a while, and as long as she`s brewing , she may as well make me one too.

I know I must sound like a saint in the way I support Julie. I`m not saying it`s easy, and many men would find it difficult, some even impossible! I know better than most men how frustrating women get as they grow older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife after reading this, I will consider writing it worthwhile. After all, we`re put on Earth to help each other!

                                                        EDITOR`S NOTE

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a**e with only 2 inches showing. His wife, Julie, was arrested, but an all-woman jury accepted her defence, that he accidentally sat on it.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #62 on: August 27, 2009, 04:40 AM »
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door..
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

pamela

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #63 on: August 27, 2009, 10:37 AM »
• Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."

That an example of the "worst "jokes from the Edinburgh frindge..heres another..

 Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad
Politicians and nappies should be changed frequently...and for the same reason!!!

greeny

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #64 on: August 28, 2009, 10:37 AM »
hi did you here the one , the man made appointment at the dentist they told him we cant fit you in till toothurty  ;D

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #65 on: September 02, 2009, 02:27 AM »
1) Gautama Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

Think about it
  ;)

2) A Buddhist monastery is having a fundraising event and are selling hotdogs outside the gates.
Joe Public comes up and intones at the monk "Make me one with everything."
Monk looks at him annoyedly, then makes him his hotdog.
"That'll be £2.50, please" and Joe hands him a £5 note which the monk puts in the cash drawer.
Joe asks "Hey, what about my change?"
and the monk responds "My son, you must learn ... that change comes from within."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #66 on: September 02, 2009, 02:30 AM »
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show here in Swainsboro. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to personally apologize, and the blonde yells,



'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little b*****d on your lap!'
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #67 on: September 02, 2009, 02:31 AM »

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #68 on: September 02, 2009, 02:36 AM »
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."




Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"




The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."




Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,




"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."





He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh ...





"Let's put all the pieces back in the box."








Sorry about this.....









Scroll Down...........










Further..................


"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #69 on: September 08, 2009, 12:58 AM »
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT ******G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"

The Teacher fainted.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #70 on: September 08, 2009, 04:36 AM »
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't.I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

jaywit

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #71 on: September 08, 2009, 02:01 PM »
The Yorkshire couple reached their Spanish holiday caravan site after a long journey.

After a pot of tea and a rest, they set about making roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, only to discover that they'd forgotten the gravy mix.

"I think they're English in that caravan over there", said the wife, "go and see if they'll lend us some till tomorrow."

The Yorkshireman walked over to the caravan and knocked on the door.

"'Astanybisto?" he asked, when the door opened.

"Clear off, you Spanish *******", came the reply.
I've got tears in my eyes through laughing.

Vanessa

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #72 on: September 08, 2009, 10:58 PM »
The computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

Vanessa

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #73 on: September 09, 2009, 02:46 AM »
Too true, can't remember when I last played cards with a 'real' deck of cards  :-X
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #74 on: September 09, 2009, 11:27 PM »
John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, so he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a short while my father will die and I’ll inherit $20 million.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"