Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 555468 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #45 on: July 31, 2009, 02:21 AM »
Thought for Today..............

I wish I was a glow worm,
A glow worm's never glum.
Cos how can you be grumpy,
When the sun shines out your bum!

"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #46 on: August 11, 2009, 02:13 AM »
I just drank all the brake fluid, there'll be no stopping me now   :o
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #47 on: August 11, 2009, 08:57 PM »
Ouch!   ;)


Was going to join the debating society but I talked myself out of it.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #48 on: August 11, 2009, 09:00 PM »
Have you heard about the new zoo that just opened in Ashton ?.








It's not very good.







It's only got one animal.








A small white dog.








It's a schit-zoo.  ::)
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #49 on: August 18, 2009, 01:37 AM »
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior ‘Sir Humphrey’ went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. .

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that’s not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. It’s called ‘Flying Scotsman.”

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. “This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer.”

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, “So that’s settled then…. let’s look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'…..
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

jaywit

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #50 on: August 21, 2009, 01:57 PM »
Good one Kiwi!!

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #51 on: August 25, 2009, 12:02 AM »
Aussie Beggars

Bruce is an Aussie beggar and Trevor is a Kiwi beggar. They both live in Sydney and beg in different parts of Bondi.

Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $2 - $3 each day. Trevor on the other hand, brings home suitcases full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes and lives freehold in a huge house and has a lot of money to spend.

Bruce says to Trevor "I work just as long and hard as you but how do you bring home a suitcase of $10 notes every day?"

Trevor says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"No wonder you only get a few dollars a day" replied Trevor.
"Ok then, what does your sign say?"
"It reads 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand'!"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #52 on: August 25, 2009, 12:03 AM »
Dirty Old Man ?

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a lake in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The lake had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the lake to look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his lake. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the lake naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the crocodile."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #53 on: August 25, 2009, 12:05 AM »
Gifted Indian

A film crew is on location in the Arizona desert. One day an old Indian goes up to the director and says “Tomorrow rain”. The next day it rains. Next day the Indian goes up to the director and says, “Tomorrow, storm” and the next day there is a hail storm. The director is impressed and hires the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian doesn’t show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sends for him.
“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow” he says. “What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugs his shoulders and says, “Don’t know. Radio, broken.”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #54 on: August 25, 2009, 12:10 AM »
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." 

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other are people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." 

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?" 
 
He said: "Who buggered up your hair?"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #55 on: August 25, 2009, 12:12 AM »
Two sisters lived on a farm that bred cattle. One day, their prize bull died quite suddenly. One sister turns to the other and says I'm going to take the bus into town to the market. Once I've bought the new bull, I'll send you a telegram to tell you and you can come in the truck to pick us up." The sister agrees and the other went to the market.
She took ₤100 with her and soon found a wonderful bull, perfect for breeding. "how much?" she asks. "₤99.99" replied the seller. The woman thinks this is a bit much, besides, she'll have to send a telegram to her sister.

But, she desperately wants this bull. So she pays and goes into the office to send her sis the message.

"Now love," the office master says "It's 1p per word". The lady only has 1p left but after a moment's thought she decides to send her sister a one-word telegram. She puts 'Comfortable".
The master asks "will she understand?"
The lady smiles and says "My sister is blonde, she'll read it slowly."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #56 on: August 25, 2009, 12:14 AM »
Paddy goes for a job as a lumberjack.
The head lumberjack tells Paddy to chop down three trees in the woods.
After cutting down the trees, Paddy returns just one minute later.
The lumberjack says to Paddy "Where the heck did you learn to cut down trees that fast?"
Paddy says "The Sahara Forest."
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" replied the lumberjack.
Paddy says "Oh, is dat what dey're calling it now?"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #57 on: August 25, 2009, 12:15 AM »
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action-packed docu-drama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well" started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favourite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes" said Segal "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarznegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnie?"
So Arnie opens his mouth and says "I'll be Bach."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #58 on: August 25, 2009, 12:16 AM »
"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes it is, how can we help?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Simon. I don't like to snitch but I've seen him hiding what appears to be cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

Early the next morning, Police officers descend on Simon's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. Frustrated, the officers leave.
The phone rings at Simon's house.
"Hey Simon, did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they cut up your firewood?"
"Yeah!"
"Happy Birthday bro."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #59 on: August 25, 2009, 01:10 AM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"