Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 431097 times)

paul_b

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #30 on: May 25, 2009, 12:07 AM »
These hilarious exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts'.

They were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
 _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
 
 


 

 

 

greeny

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #31 on: May 25, 2009, 09:43 AM »
hi good one paul that why they charge to much  :D  :D

sooty

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #32 on: May 25, 2009, 01:15 PM »
Stop Global Warming! Stop Man Utd fans flying to home games!!!
Hard work never killed anyone-but it made some funny shapes.

herby

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #33 on: June 02, 2009, 08:40 AM »
Hi
       Subject: Golf....



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed dirctly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The
ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put  her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
                                                                                      herby

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #34 on: June 02, 2009, 10:12 PM »
Got a tattoo of a spreadsheet on my chest the other day........................ I reckon I've excelled myself  ;)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

hoggyman

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #35 on: June 02, 2009, 11:10 PM »
HI  kiwi just looking at the gen on NZ his that a picture of you holding that big fish,looks a very nice place.    
HELLO EVERYBODY ENJOY YOUR SELF,WHY NOT

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #36 on: June 03, 2009, 01:14 AM »
Nope, not me  :) am more into sea fishing, will save learning this fly-fishing caper till I retire  ;)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Fudge

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #37 on: June 03, 2009, 08:58 PM »
How do you kill a Circus

strangle the the Juggler

  










Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #38 on: June 03, 2009, 11:14 PM »
Colin the Aborigine


A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting.


At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on
the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead
goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.  ;)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #39 on: June 03, 2009, 11:17 PM »
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an e minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pigged off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smart @rse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

paul_b

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #40 on: June 13, 2009, 11:17 PM »
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in their pints, one in each.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEVING BASTARD!!!"


Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #41 on: July 06, 2009, 12:52 AM »
What's the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?


Simple, one played with Majors, the other played with Minors!!
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

paul_b

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #42 on: July 10, 2009, 10:33 PM »
Subject: Living Will




Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

herby

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #43 on: July 11, 2009, 10:30 AM »
Hi
         Well spoken Tommy.      herby

paul_b

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #44 on: July 19, 2009, 12:08 PM »


 
 
DON'T BLAME ME - I'M JUST
FORWARDING THIS!!


 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.
 
 


It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
 
 







She says:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)