Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 559124 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2535 on: May 21, 2019, 06:32 PM »
suspect. " i"m  innocent he died of natural causes" police " there is clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof" suspect "well gravity is natural"   

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2536 on: May 22, 2019, 05:00 AM »
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the white line, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2537 on: May 23, 2019, 04:03 AM »
The Air Traffic Controller on duty in the air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 knots. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're travelling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 knots on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how you do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2538 on: May 25, 2019, 08:00 PM »
a man was told if you hold a shell up  you can hear the ocean... but all i  got was 6 years for armed  robbery..

LCGI

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2539 on: May 26, 2019, 06:42 PM »
Very good KENNETHO........ keep em coming.

Regards,
Larry E.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2540 on: May 26, 2019, 08:36 PM »
once  there was an Italian beggar.............Giovanni  change

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2541 on: May 27, 2019, 03:21 PM »
age  is not just a number  age  is  a word..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2542 on: May 27, 2019, 06:37 PM »
a man said i"m so single i went to the grand canyon alone to shout down "i love you"to hear it said back to me , my echo replied "i just want to be friends"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2543 on: May 28, 2019, 12:40 AM »
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're flying BA," was the reply.
"We got a great rate!"
"BA ?" exclaimed the hairdresser."
That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.
I know that place.
Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman.
"Not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a €15 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel.
The finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked.
So they apologized and gave us their Presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican.
A Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!
What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2544 on: May 28, 2019, 12:43 AM »
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations.
You have become a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.













But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2545 on: May 28, 2019, 02:56 AM »
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche..
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2546 on: May 28, 2019, 03:01 AM »
A chap goes touring the outback in Oz, somewhere in the middle he comes across a couple of houses and a Pub. He goes in the Pub and has a few beers or more, after a few hours he needs to go to the loo, he asks the landlord where it is and he say it is out the back.

He goes outside and sees the biggest pile of crap that he has ever seen with steps cut into the side up to the top and a rope to help you get up.
On top is a seat with a hole in it. As best he can he hauls himself up the heap and eventually reaches the top and makes himself comfortable on the throne. .

He is just settling down when he hears someone shouting, looking to his right about a hundred yards away he sees a massive pile of crap about three times the height and size of the one he is on.It doesn't have any steps, rope or seat and crouching down right on the top is this bloke shouting at him.

Eventually he realises that the bloke is shouting " You must be a Pom".

" How did you realise that?" he shouts back.

"Because you are in the bloody ladies" is the reply!!
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2547 on: May 29, 2019, 12:02 AM »
 a man was out duck hunting as he is looking for ducks  he needed a pee  so he leaned his gun by the tree and started to pee when a gust of wind blew the gun over and it fired shooting  duck shot into the mans penis . later on at the hospital the doctor told him his penis was badly damaged so i will refer you to my sister". "is she a plastic surgeon"? asked the man  "oh no" replied the doc "she  teaches flute and she will teach you which holes to cover so you wont pee all over"   

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2548 on: May 30, 2019, 04:39 AM »
a tour bus driving through northern  Nevada was nearing the mustang ranch and the guide noted we are now passing the largest prostitution house in america and a male passenger shouted  "why" 

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2549 on: May 30, 2019, 06:39 PM »
the trailer  of  Rambo  5  is  out.. what"s  he fighting now??....arthritis