Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 576522 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2505 on: April 20, 2019, 07:17 PM »
 a man was going to be  best man at his friends  second  wedding and he was wondering if it would be appropriate to start his dinner speech  with  "welcome  back  every one"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2506 on: April 23, 2019, 12:26 AM »
it was  reported  that 2.345.537. people got married last year.  i don"t know where they got that information from,  but should t that be an even number??

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2507 on: April 23, 2019, 03:51 AM »
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2508 on: April 23, 2019, 03:54 AM »
Little Mike, Jonny's cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be.

One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. "You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!" Little Mike's dad said with a smile. "If not you won't get anything nice"

"I already know what I want for Christmas dad! When I wake up on Christmas morning I want to wake up and see a new  effing BB gun at the foot of my effing bed!" little Mike said.

Little Mike's dad rolls his eyes.

"Then I want to go down stairs and see a effing toy train going around the effing Christmas tree!"

"Oh yeah?" His dad says.

"Yeah then I'll go out side and I want a effing new bike leaning up against the effing garage!"

"I wouldn't count on it young man, not after how you just talked."

When Christmas morning comes Mike wakes up. Laying at the foot of his bed is a steaming pile of dog shit! So he goes down stairs. Around the Christmas tree is a neatly arranged ring of dog shit. Then he goes outside and there by the garage is, you guessed it another pile of dog shit!

"DAMN!" Little Mike says, starting to cry.

"Well son did you learn a lesson?" Mikes dad asks.

"I don't know dad, I think I got a new puppy but I can't effing find it!"
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2509 on: April 23, 2019, 03:58 AM »
I asked my wife if I was the only one for her.


She replied "yes, all the others were nines and tens."

My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2510 on: April 23, 2019, 03:58 AM »
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.


She replied: "Identify it."
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2511 on: April 23, 2019, 03:59 AM »
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
She replied: "Bring flowers to it every month of so, well at least for the first year, after that it will be a bit like our sex life, your birthday and christmas"
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2512 on: April 25, 2019, 11:23 PM »
that"s  a nice  ham  you  have  there  it would  be  a    shame  if  some  one  put an S in front of it  and an E  at the  end...

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2513 on: April 30, 2019, 10:11 PM »
A skeleton walks in to a bar.

Barman: ďwhat can I get you?Ē

Skeleton: ďa pint of Guinness and a mop pleaseĒ
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2514 on: April 30, 2019, 10:19 PM »
An elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, the next one is on me.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2515 on: April 30, 2019, 10:28 PM »
A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.Ē

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.Ē

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?Ē

The biker replies "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for BrexitĒ. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2516 on: May 01, 2019, 02:53 PM »
a mans wife put a sexy cop outfit on and arrested him of suspicion of being good in bed after a quick trial she re least him due to lack of evidence.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2517 on: May 01, 2019, 09:04 PM »
what  is  smaller  than a teeny  weeny  fly???......................the fly's  teeny weeny

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2518 on: May 02, 2019, 04:46 AM »
Stormy Daniels (Donnies old mate) and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.Ē

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.Ē

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.Ē

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?Ē

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2519 on: May 03, 2019, 02:33 PM »
 a man went bald a few years  ago. but he still carries a comb  with him... he says  he just cant part  with it....