Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 515861 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2250 on: October 08, 2018, 03:49 AM »
Banged my head on a low bridge. Would have been ok if viaduct.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2251 on: October 08, 2018, 03:50 AM »
I tried reading a book about a castle with the drawbridge up, but I couldnít get into it.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2252 on: October 08, 2018, 03:51 AM »
Some Cheesy Ones...


1. What did the cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? Iíve felt grater.
2. Have you heard about the secret society who governs the sale of cheese? They are called the Halloumi-nati!
3. How do you eat crumbly cheese in Wales? Caerphilly
4. Never do business with a cheesemonger. Itís one Roule for them, one Roule for everyone else!
5. What do you call a curly-haired cheese? Permesan!
6. What did Shakespeare ask his cheesemonger? To brie or not to Brie!
7. Why is Christmas the cheeseiest holiday? Because of baby cheese-us!
8. What do you call a dinosaur made of cheese? Gorgonzilla
9. What is a cheese diet? Eating curds and weigh!
10. Did you buy a lot of cheese today? Yes, I bought a Tunworth!
11. What cheese can you use to clean your teeth? Dental schloss
12. What happened when the air conditioning in the cheese factory broke? There was a meltdown!
13. What is cheese without a cracker? Crackalackin!
14. When shouldnít you believe a word your cheese is saying? When itís too Gouda be true!
15. Did you hear the cheesy weather forecast? Rain with light Bries!
16. Why did Lewis Hamilton have too much cheese? Because he won the Grand Brie!
17. What did i do with my cheese handkerchief? I bleu my nose!
18. Why didnít the cheese want to get sliced? It had grater plans!
19. When canít you see a cheese? When itís pasteurised!
20. What does cheese say to itself in the mirror? Looking Gouda!
21. Whatís a cheeseís favourite TV channel? The Brie Brie C!
22. What did Mr Cheese say to the shop assistant when she selected the wrong size dress for his wife? That wonít Feta!
23. What do they shout out at Pantomimes? Heís Brie-hind you!
24. What did the cheese say to the therapist? I Camembert it any longer!
25. What does a cheese alcoholic call for? Morbier!
26. I wanted cottage with my meal. So I ordered form the a la curd menu!
27. What do you call cheese that isnít yours? Nacho Cheese!
28. When should you keep an eye on your cheese? When itís up to no Gouda!
29. How did the cheese paint his wife? He Double Gloucester!
30. What do cheese markers dance to on Halloween? The Muenster mash!
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2253 on: October 09, 2018, 02:37 AM »
The owner of a golf course in Ashton was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Manchester and I need some help. If I was to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2254 on: October 09, 2018, 02:46 AM »
you tube  twitter and face book are going to merger it will now  be called you twit face

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2255 on: October 10, 2018, 11:41 PM »
interviewer  " what is your greatest strength "  man " i am very determined " interviewer " that"s  the number one strength for our company we will get back  to you when we make our decision " man " great i will just wait here then"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2256 on: October 12, 2018, 04:13 AM »
whats  the difference  between hearing and  seeing  a joke?? ....one  involves  a mirror

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2257 on: October 13, 2018, 03:31 PM »
men with erectile dysfunction  have  now  got a union.. they  haven"t had  a raise  for  years ..

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2258 on: October 14, 2018, 10:32 PM »
They told me Iíd never be any good at poetry because Iím dyslexic, but I've proved them wrong. So far Iíve made two jugs, an ashtray and a vase!
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2259 on: October 14, 2018, 10:34 PM »
If you get a really good Crematorium do you call it the Crem De La Crem ?
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2260 on: October 14, 2018, 10:35 PM »
A young constable sees his mates getting knocked down and beaten during a riot, bricks, bottles and stones flying everywhere. Thousands of violent protesters outnumber the police ten to one...

After a couple of minutes the young copper cracks and runs, ending up cowering in a shop doorway. A figure stands over him and places a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Come on son," says the figure "You're mates are still out their holding the line and doing their duty. They're relying on you - don't let them down...don't let yourself down...don't let the force down."

The young copper takes a deep breath..."You're right sarge, I'll be alright now." He stands up and starts to walk back to the line.

The figure says "Well, done lad...oh, and by the way, it's Chief Superintendent, not Sergeant"

"Bloody hell!" say the young copper "I didn't realise I'd run that far back..."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2261 on: October 14, 2018, 10:35 PM »
"What you up to?"

"I'm just watching The X Factor, dad."

What a way to find out your son will never make it to University.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2262 on: October 15, 2018, 11:33 PM »
a tired old dog walked into a mans yard when the man looked at  it he saw it was well fed clean and had a collar on so he thought it must belong to some one the man went in the house to get the dog some water as he opened the door the dog followed him saw the sofa and lay  on it when the man got the water the dog was fast asleep so he left it after a short while the dog woke up went to the door  and the man let it out and off it went but the next day it came again did the same thing had a nap and left the man thought that"s strange but the next day when it was ready to leave the man pinned a note on its  collar your dog has been sleeping at my house for the last few days. it came again the next day with a note on his collar  "he lives with 4 young children i guess he is catching up on some sleep can i come with him tomorrow??

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2263 on: October 16, 2018, 10:01 PM »
9 year old boy said  "dad my teacher said today that you were a bad parent " "right" said dad " finish your pint and we"ll go and sort that guy out"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2264 on: October 16, 2018, 10:22 PM »
cashier " would you like to donate a pound to end world hunger"?  man" why sure holy Moses i never new we were that  close"