Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 500046 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2190 on: August 15, 2018, 08:47 PM »
A road crew supervisor in southern Ontario hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of highway 10 heading up toward Wasaga Beach He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background; however he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie-Jane told him so.

He explained to Herb that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.

After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Herb that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.

"On your first day you completed 4 miles of road on your second day 2 miles of road and now on day 3 you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?"
"Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2191 on: August 15, 2018, 08:51 PM »
Paddy and Seamus have just sat down in a swanky French bistro when a very attractive Mademoiselle approaches their table......

"Bonsoir Monsieurs, what can I...err....interest you in tonight?"

"How about a quicky?" suggests Paddy

The visibly upset waitress throws a pitcher of Evian in Paddy's face, gives him a right hander and storms off through the swing doors into the kitchen.

"Paddy!" says Seamus " It's pronounced 'Quiche' you ****ing eejit!"
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2192 on: August 15, 2018, 08:55 PM »
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2193 on: August 15, 2018, 10:15 PM »
A must-read book for breeders of budgerigars.
"Budgerigars - their breeding and training" by Hugh Zapritti-Boyden.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2194 on: August 18, 2018, 01:15 AM »
a  man  was driving  through  England and was supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow. he didn"t  know  what  to  do  in the  mean time..

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2195 on: August 21, 2018, 02:17 AM »
I was skimming stones off the beach the other day when I gave a dolphin a mild concussion.


It's not like I did it on porpoise.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2196 on: August 21, 2018, 04:31 AM »
If a man walking along the street sinks his teeth into a dog it's worthy of making the news. The other way around, it's just a bit pedestrian.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2197 on: August 21, 2018, 04:31 AM »
As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2198 on: August 22, 2018, 04:37 AM »
on sunday mass the priest  asked the  crowed " how many of you  have  forgave your enemies " about 80% raised  their  hand, then he said " how many of you intend to forgive your enemies "  all hands shot up except a little old lady in the front, he went to the lady  and asked " ms.rogers don"t you want to forgive your enemies " don"t have any " she  replied. " ms. rogers how old are you" he asked  she replied " 98 " "you must come  up here and tell us all how after  98 years you don"t have any  enemies" so she went to the podium   and with a big smile  said " i outlived  the  bitches'

greeny

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2199 on: August 24, 2018, 09:55 PM »
Hi one for. You do it yourself experts how do you make a roman blind ? Poke him in the eye's :)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2200 on: August 24, 2018, 10:45 PM »
if you rearrange the letters of  postmen.............they become  real  angry.. 

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2201 on: August 24, 2018, 10:53 PM »
a man got fired from the carpet  shop apparently asking customers " fancy a shag " isn't appropriate "   

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2202 on: August 28, 2018, 08:08 PM »
a man was diagnosed  with  low  blood  pressure  so the doc  give  him a prescription  for two IKEA  self assembled wardrobes...

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2203 on: August 30, 2018, 03:35 PM »
a young  boy called emergency . "what is  your emergency"?  "my parents  are fighting and i am  scared" " who is your father"? " well that"s what they are fighting  about"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2204 on: August 30, 2018, 07:47 PM »
a city  in Yorkshire has  gone  missing .. police say "they have  no Leeds..