Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 500813 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2100 on: March 26, 2018, 11:07 PM »
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke: "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling your golf clubs and motorcycle along with your gun collection and that stupid fishing gear."

Tom got a quizzical look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife??" she shouted. "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2101 on: March 26, 2018, 11:10 PM »
During a flight to Manchester, a few minutes after takeoff, a blonde sitting in the Economy class stands up and heads to First class and sits down.
The steward notices and asks to see her ticket.
He explains that she can't sit in First class and must go back to Economy.
The blonde says" I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Manchester and I'm sitting here! "
The steward goes into the cockpit and explains to the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in First class who has only paid for Economy and is refusing to go back.
The co-pilot goes to see the blonde and tries to explain to her that since she only paid for Economy she has to go back there.The blonde says," I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Manchester and I'm sitting here! "
The co-pilot tells the pilot that they have to contact the police to stop the blonde on landing, because she has refused to return to Economy.
The pilot asks the co-pilot: " Did you say she was blonde? I can solve the problem, I'm married to a blonde and I speak their language "
The pilot goes to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
The blonde says," Oh, I'm sorry!" and she gets up and goes back to her place in Economy.
The steward and the co-pilot are surprised and ask the pilot what he said to make her agree to go back.
" I just said that First class doesn't go to Manchester........
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2102 on: March 26, 2018, 11:25 PM »
A guy had his little dog with him whilst practicing on the golf driving range. He made a really good shot and the little dog sat up and frantically clapped it's paws together. Another golfer walking past said "That's amazing, does he always do that when you make a good shot?" The guy answered "Always." The other golfer said "Wow, fantastic, what does he do if you make a bad shot?" The guy said "He turns somersaults." The response was again "Wow." Followed by "How many somersaults does he turn?" The guy answered "Depends?" Other golfer "Depends? On what?" Gets the reply......"How hard I kick him up the arse."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2103 on: March 29, 2018, 04:12 AM »
i used to be a christian she said to her boyfriend thats ok i dont mind he repliedÈ  oh im so glad i am much more comfortable now i am christine she said

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2104 on: March 31, 2018, 08:54 PM »
if you put your ear to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say "what the hell are you doing"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2105 on: March 31, 2018, 10:52 PM »
youtube,, facebook and twitter... are merging........... it will now be known as..........   youtwitface

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2106 on: April 01, 2018, 09:14 PM »
i got so excited thinking of spring  i wet  my  plants

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2107 on: April 03, 2018, 03:00 AM »
A 96-year-old man, Norman, and a 90-year-old woman, Edna. were discussing their forthcoming wedding. Norman was extremely rich and not shy about spending his money:

Edna: I want to sell my house so that we can both live in your house.

Norman: No problem.

Edna: I want a big wedding with at least 500 guests so that I can show off to people.

Norman: No problem.

Edna: I want a live-in gardener, a housekeeper, a cleaner and a cook.

Norman: No problem, they can live in the staff cottages on the estate.

Edna: I want a chauffeur to drive the Rolls-Royce anywhere that I want to go. You will be buying the Rolls-Royce for me.

Norman: No problem, There will be a cottage for him, too.

Edna: I want three holidays a year, minimum of six weeks' duration each, and one them has to be a cruise.

Norman: No problem.

Edna: I want new clothes every month, and my hair and nails done once a month too.

Norman: No problem.

Edna: And, finally, I want to have sex every day of the week.

Norman: No problem. Put me down for Fridays.
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KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2108 on: April 05, 2018, 01:40 AM »
after winning the game a man threw the ball into the crowd like they do on t v apparently thats not excepted in bowling

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2109 on: April 11, 2018, 12:26 AM »
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "we had our best plastic surgeons spend five years making an alligator look like a Dachshund
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2110 on: April 11, 2018, 12:29 AM »
Two retired gents at the bar, discussing nothing in particular. One says to the other, " I was watching telly the other day, did you know that lions have sex three times a day!"
All of a sudden his pal starts crying into his beer.
"What on earth is the matter?"
".....oh it's nothing, it's just the other day I joined rotary.."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2111 on: April 11, 2018, 12:31 AM »
Two cannibals are at an athletics event and after watching a few races one says to the other, "Fancy something to eat?"

"I'm not too hungry" replies the other, "I'll just have the starter".
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2112 on: April 11, 2018, 12:31 AM »
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.
He talks to them about how powerful a nation Russia is and how he wants the best for all the people.At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.

Sasha puts her hand up and says:"I have two questions.

Why did the Russians take Crimea ? and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?”

Putin says:"Good question".But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:

"I have four questions”"My Questions are –

Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?---------------------------------------And where is Sasha?".
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

jaywit

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2113 on: April 11, 2018, 03:49 AM »
k'on Kiwi no politics. or Martin will slap your hands and face.

jaywit

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2114 on: April 11, 2018, 04:25 AM »
modify seems to have dis appeared. ho !hum

I tend to think wer'r entering a very very serious time.
With idiots (or Sir Humphrey 's calling the tune.)
I'm not smart but not stupid