Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 468240 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2040 on: January 26, 2018, 05:34 AM »
if  s guy  said  he was  going  to  hit  you with the neck  of  his  guitar  is  that  a  fret??

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2041 on: January 27, 2018, 09:44 PM »
a mans wife  said to him im not happy the way my  body  looks why what would you  want  it  to  look  like he replied?just like  jello she  said  well its not  too  far  off he  respondedwell thanks  honey and give him a big kiss  and hug the man was confused with  this and he pondered it  all day  then he  relized she  didnt  say  jello  she  said    j-lo 

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2042 on: January 31, 2018, 02:06 AM »
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot stuck in his ear and a banana up his nose. He says, “Doctor I don’t feel very well.”

The Doctor says, “I’m not surprised. You’re not eating properly!”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2043 on: January 31, 2018, 02:13 AM »
A woman goes into a Sports Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ”Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, ”Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ”That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only £20.00.”

She says, ”It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

”Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ”That’ll be £34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ”Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for £20.00? How did you get £34.50?”

He replies, ”Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is £20.00, but the Duck Call is £11.00 and the Fly Trap is £3.50″
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2044 on: January 31, 2018, 02:20 AM »
In the fun world of the administration of N Z Justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room.

Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example:
On a bitterly cold winter’s day several weeks ago on the Desert Road at high altitude, a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

“What’s the matter?” asked the constable.

“Carburettor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.
“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”
“Can’t.”
“OK, watch me and I will show you.”
The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Waiouru constabulary office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded …….”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2045 on: January 31, 2018, 02:24 AM »
“Hi Mum How are you”

“Hi Son where are you? I thought you were with your father at Mitre 10”

“Yeah we were but I got arrested they’ve let me make one phone call”

“What happened?”

“Oh I punched this abo Sheila in the head.”

“What on earth?????”

“I don’t really think it was my fault though… Dad told me to go find a Black & Decker.”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2046 on: January 31, 2018, 02:28 AM »
Some years ago, Prince Charles visited New Zealand. Every evening during his tour he would phone Mummy & tell her of the day’s events and plan for the next day.

Whilst staying in Wellington he phoned Buck House and said "Mummy, it’s been such a lovely day, though a little cold! Tomorrow they will be taking me to Wainouiomata – what do you think I should wear?"

Mummy replied "Wainouiomata? (pause) Wainouiomata? (pause again). Where the f**ks that???"

Anyway, the phone line was a bit crackly by then & Charles hung up.

The next day Charles turns up at the function in Wainouiomata wearing a magnificent brown fur hat, it was a nice hat but he did look a bit awkward with it on.

Everybody admired that hat, and an official asked Charles, "Your Highness, why are you wearing that magnificent hat??".

To which the Prince replied, "I telephoned Mummy for some wardrobe advice last night, and she just said "Wear the fox hat!".
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jaywit

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2047 on: February 01, 2018, 04:03 PM »
"Wear the fox hat!". ::) ::) ::) ::)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2048 on: February 01, 2018, 07:17 PM »
100  years  ago everyone  had  horses  only  the  rich  had  cars.  today  everyone  have cars and only the rich  have  horses.... oh  how  the  stables  have  changed

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2049 on: February 03, 2018, 01:02 AM »
a private  wastalking to one of his  buddies in a smoking  area  when an officer  walked up to him and  said  do you have  change  for a dollar   the private said  sure  buddy  no  problem.  the officer replied what the hell did you call me? i am not your  buddy i am an officer and  demand  your  respect  when you address me by standing with your heels  together and standing to  attention the officer looked right in his face now he was standing  to attention. and said now this time chose your  words  very  carefully private  do you  have  change  for a  dollar??   i do   not  sir..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2050 on: February 04, 2018, 06:45 PM »
ads  on  t.v.     i was  watching  the  adverts  when  all of  a  sudden  a  programme  came  on

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2051 on: February 04, 2018, 06:57 PM »
someone  told me to try  one of  those  memory  foam matresses but i figured  it  wouldnt  work because  nothing  happens  in my  bed  thats  worth  rembering

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2052 on: February 11, 2018, 08:23 PM »
if  the  second  hand  is  the  fastest hand  on  the  clock   why  isnt  it  first??

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2053 on: February 12, 2018, 12:26 AM »
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2054 on: February 12, 2018, 12:27 AM »
Horse is in the pub having a few, spots a donkey in the corner. So he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living?"
Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach. Did you win anything?"
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy, he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
Horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?"
Donkey replies "Oh, that's me when I played for Newcastle United."
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.