Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 482871 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2025 on: January 16, 2018, 09:50 PM »
2 guys in  manchester decided to get  married  so they found a preacher  who would  marry them although he had never  done  a gay  marriage before  so everything went  fine but he didnt  know how  to  end the ceremony so he said i now  pronounce  you.....man. united

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2026 on: January 16, 2018, 11:51 PM »
found  a nice suitbut it was 99pound  97much more than i exsperted.............  so much for the 3p  suit

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2027 on: January 17, 2018, 12:53 AM »
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while waiting for their respective flights…

One an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East …
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, ‘At one time here… my people were many…. but sadly, now we are few.’

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
‘Once my people were few,’ he sneers, ‘and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?’

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . …

‘I reckon that’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
But I do believe it’s a-comin’.’
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2028 on: January 17, 2018, 12:54 AM »
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist’s son brought the teacher a Bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the Teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed.

“No,” the boy replied.

She tasted another drop And asked, ” Champagne ?.

“No,” said the little boy…. “It’s a puppy.”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2029 on: January 17, 2018, 01:09 AM »
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.

“Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Mumbling to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, “I don’t know where we were .. Or what we did

But, by God, we took first and second place.”
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2030 on: January 17, 2018, 01:14 AM »
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork ‘s hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do’.

Paddy said, ‘Oi haven’t got da fingers.’

‘Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2018! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?!?’

And Paddy said, ‘ How da fock was I ‘spose to pick them up !!!
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2031 on: January 18, 2018, 07:20 PM »
a man  and his blonde  girlfriend got into  an argument  because  he  called  her  stupid she stood up and  said  give  me one  reason why i shouldent walk out  of  that  door   he  replied because  the  plane  has  not  landed  yet..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2032 on: January 19, 2018, 08:34 PM »
emma   the 80 year old organist at the local  church was  visited by the  vicar one  day . she told him to have a seat while she made some tea  so he sat next to her ols hammond  organ  but noticed on top was a glass  bowl filled with  water and a condom  floating  on top  so when emma brought in the tea and they  started to chat he found the nerve  to say miss emma what is that pointing to the bowl with the strange  floater...oh yes said emma isnt it wonderfull you see one day about a month  ago i was walking through the  park  when i picked  up this  small package  and the  directions said put it on the organ keep it  wet  and it will prevent  disease from  spreading,,  and do you  know  i havent had the  flu  all winter...

greeny

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2033 on: January 19, 2018, 09:15 PM »
Hi the other day the car was covered in snow and ice. my scraper was locked in the car so I used my tesco loyalty card but I only got 20% off :)  :

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2034 on: January 20, 2018, 11:53 PM »
mother..  " sweetie  make a  christmas wish"  girl. " i wish that  santa  would  send  some  clothes  to  those  naked  girls  on  papas  computer"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2035 on: January 22, 2018, 03:16 AM »
a man  goes  to the psychiatrist the nurse  says yes can we help you? he replied i keep thinking im a dog ?oh she said the doctor will see you shortly  go in that room and  rest  on thecouch he  replied  im not allowed  on the  couch..

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2036 on: January 22, 2018, 11:41 PM »
 little  johnny was in the living room practicing the violin his dad reading his  paper and the dog sat on the floor when johnny  began screeching  away  the dog started  to  howl thia went on for a while untill dad through his paper down yelling  for  god  sake  johnny  play  something  the dog  doesnt  know

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2037 on: January 23, 2018, 11:46 PM »
a man in a restaurant stopped  the  pretty  waitress as she was  passing  his  table  and  said excuse  me  miss  can i  ask you  a  question  about  the  menu, please  she  threw  a drink  in  his  face  and  replied  the  men  i  please  is  none  of  your  damm  business             

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2038 on: January 24, 2018, 05:37 AM »
  a father from  iraq  give his  daughter  a  new  bag  she  said  thanks for  the baghdad

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2039 on: January 25, 2018, 07:20 PM »
 a woman  gets  a call  from  the  school to  tell her  that  her  son  is  constantly  lying she  replied  tell  him he is a good  liar   i dont  have   a son...