Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 541261 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1995 on: December 12, 2017, 03:49 AM »
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church… But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1996 on: December 12, 2017, 03:55 AM »
Great Aussie inventions:-

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Waterproof tea bag
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1997 on: December 13, 2017, 03:44 AM »
Author J. M. Barrie was once asked by a lady at a dinner party if all of his works were successful, he replied: "No madam, some peter out and some pan out."
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1998 on: December 13, 2017, 04:01 AM »
During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."


Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”


A long time ago,Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.


Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked,
"Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"


In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show,


…and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that’s why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown pants.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1999 on: December 13, 2017, 04:03 AM »
A man walks into a bar & sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?"
The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there."
So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to buy some cigarettes, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you're an idiot."
The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice."
He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts.
The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair."
The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me?"
The bartender replies:, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
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KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2000 on: December 13, 2017, 11:16 PM »
a man says  his wife bites her lip to make her look  sexy  but he hasnt the  heart  to tell her  its  meant to be the  bottom  lip

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2001 on: December 15, 2017, 12:43 AM »
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed t o get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
(Please scroll down.)

What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.
I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2002 on: December 15, 2017, 12:53 AM »
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says “Martini.”

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Formula One and Electric Cars.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have” The guy says, “Martini”, and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”

The robot leans in real close and says, “So… you gonna support United again this year?”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2003 on: December 15, 2017, 12:59 AM »
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the BDA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the BMC found out about the BDA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2004 on: December 15, 2017, 01:03 AM »
 A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, “Let’s take a short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens….”
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2005 on: December 15, 2017, 01:06 AM »
A man owned a small farm in Australia . The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the rep.

‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.’

‘The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.’

‘Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’

‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent.


‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer..
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2006 on: December 15, 2017, 01:08 AM »
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!’
My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!’
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’
She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken’
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Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2007 on: December 15, 2017, 01:11 AM »
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says ‘I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?’

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

She said ‘I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said ‘Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall’
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KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2008 on: December 15, 2017, 07:27 PM »
teacher..  why  are you late??  johnny  some one told me to go  to  hell?  teacher  . why  would that  make  you  late  for  class ??  i couldnt find it at first  but now  here i am? replied  johnny

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2009 on: December 17, 2017, 12:55 AM »
a frustrated  wifes  view  on retirement ..............  twice as much  husband  on half as much  pay