Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 421863 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1875 on: July 27, 2017, 12:04 AM »
 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter .

“What are you doing?”
She asked.

“Hunting Flies”
He responded.

“Oh! Killing any?”
She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
“How can you tell them apart?”

He responded,
“3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1876 on: July 27, 2017, 12:11 AM »
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!”

“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called – it’s a f*cker fish”

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

“Look at this huge f*cker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.

“Language please! This is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no – that’s what this fish is called, says the priest.

“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that f*cker And we could have it for dinner”.

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

“Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.

“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.

“No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a f*cker” says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “wonderful, I’ll cook that f*cker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!”

The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.

“Well, I caught the f*cker!” says the priest.

“And I cleaned the f*cker!” says the bishop.

“And I cooked the f*cker!” says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says “You know what? You tw*ts are alright.”
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1877 on: July 27, 2017, 12:14 AM »
Bad news.

Our local Mr. Whippy man was found dead in his ice-cream truck today, covered in sprinkles and hundreds’n’thousands.

 Police say he’d topped himself.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1878 on: July 27, 2017, 12:16 AM »
I heard that someone pick-pocketed a dwarf in town this afternoon.


How could they stoop so low?
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1879 on: July 27, 2017, 12:23 AM »
Q. What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A. A manila folder.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1880 on: July 27, 2017, 12:30 AM »
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH (I love this one!)

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole hegoooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

IF THIS DIDN’T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT…………………
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1881 on: July 27, 2017, 12:32 AM »
An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. ‘

But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies,

‘Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny . . . . … I’m homesick.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1882 on: July 27, 2017, 12:34 AM »
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman “Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says “A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman”. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, “A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman”, smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, “I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties”. The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, “We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie”. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, “Are you sure I will like it?” The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent The barman, with a roguish smile says “Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you’ll love it”. “Ok” says the rabbit,” I’ll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie”. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves….
….NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, “Who are you” To which he is answered, “I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house”. The barman says, “I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous” The rabbit says, “Yes I know”. The barman said, “I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead” The rabbit said “Yes, you promised me that I would love it”. The barman said “You never came back, what happened?

“I DIED”, said the Rabbit.
“NO!” said the barman,”what from”.
After a short pause. The rabbit said…

“Mixin’-me-toasties”
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1883 on: July 27, 2017, 12:38 AM »
PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

If Women DRINK…

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks – no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Water

Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

Wine – (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breeze, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mud shake etc.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… and you’re in.

Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, nothing to do but wait…….

I DARE YOU TO SEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND PUT YOUR FAVOURITE DRINK IN THE SUBJECT LINE!!!! (BUT be HONEST!)

IF MEN DRINK… (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider

He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer

He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

Castle Lager Beer

He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness

He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported beer

The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water

He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

Wine

He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy

Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port

Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky

He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels

Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila

Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breeze, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc

He’s gay (blatantly) – don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change if you don’t want to get laid.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1884 on: July 27, 2017, 01:25 AM »
I'm a bit pissed off. Dad's just been pronounced dead.

Bloody Australian doctors!
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1885 on: July 27, 2017, 01:25 AM »
I bought a Mini Cooper last week. Now there's little barrels all over the house.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1886 on: August 03, 2017, 11:00 PM »
Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I needed to go number two's, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position.”

“Yeah? What happened next?” Asks his friend.

“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”

One of the other guys said, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”

He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. .
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1887 on: August 03, 2017, 11:03 PM »
The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . .

And Dog was happy. . .

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other…
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1888 on: August 03, 2017, 11:06 PM »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town one hot dusty day.
After tying up the horses the Lone Ranger told Tonto to run around Silver, flapping his poncho to keep Silver cool while he went into the saloon for a drink.

A little while later a cowboy came in to the bar. “That your horse out there?” he enquired of the Lone Ranger. On being told it was, he continued,


“Thought I’d better tell you – you left your injun runnin’ “.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1889 on: August 03, 2017, 11:11 PM »
Paddy was very downcast. People who knew Paddy always thought him to be so positive, so full of life. But lately, there seemed to surround him a sense of gloom. Everyone tried to cheer him up, but to no avail. Finally,after 6 months,and in exasperation, everyone chipped in to shout Paddy to a psychiatrist.
Paddy didn’t mind, after all, he was a bit sick of himself as well. So off he went.
“Hullo Paddy”. said the shrink.
“Hullo” said Paddy.
“Now you lie down there and relax. I hear you’ve been a bit glum lately. Tell me all about it.”
“Well,” said Paddy, “It’s a long story.”
“That’s alright” said the shrink. “Your friends made sure we would have plenty of time together.”
“It started when I was just a wee nipper” said Paddy. “You see, I had a dream. Ever since my da took me for a walk down Broadway I wanted to be a star. I wanted me name up in dem dere lights. Took me a while it did before I decided what I wanted to do, but once I made up me mind, that was it. ”
“And what was it you wanted to do?” asked the good doctor.
“I wanted to be like one of dem dere tap dancers” said Paddy.
“How nice “said the doctor. “Tap dancing is very popular on Broadway.”
“Aye, tis” said Paddy. “So I practiced and practiced. Every day, several hours a day. For the past 18 years I bin practicin’ ” said Paddy. “But now, I’m sick of it . I’ve had enough. No more. An’ now I don’t know what I’m goin to do wid meself”
“Ohhh Paddy. You’re still young. You have plenty of time to work out a career for yourself.” encouraged the kindly psychiatrist. “But tell me, after all that time, all that investment in practice, what was it that made you give up?”
“Injuries” replied Paddy.
“Injuries? What injuries? asked the doc.
‘Broken arms, broken legs, broken collarbones, an’ lots and lots of bruises” said Paddy.
“But how on earth can you get so many injuries tap-dancing ? asked the doc incredulously.
“I kept fallin’ in da sink” explained Paddy.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.