Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 421859 times)

paul_b

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2009, 12:07 AM »
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Vancouver, B.C., was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.  Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old peopl


jaywit

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2009, 02:48 PM »
Mithinks Kiwi is going after GG's hat in this context.

Meg

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2009, 05:49 PM »
I've tried to contact the swine flu hotline but all I got was cracklin'


"Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open"  Thomas Dewar

Meg

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2009, 05:50 PM »
My friend thinks she's caught swine flu- she's come out in a rasher! 
"Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open"  Thomas Dewar

Martin

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2009, 06:18 PM »
Tameside Police have managed to catch swine flu, thanks to the help of one of their snouts.
Martin

gina44

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2009, 08:50 PM »
a blonde woman phones her husband and said,"im scared to go and get petrol in case i catch swine flu",the hubby said "it said mexico ,not texaco ,you daft cow".

paul_b

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2009, 10:42 PM »
These classified ads were really put in the paper   

 

 FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.  Hateful little bastard.  Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake.  Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR  SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.  Excellent condition.  200 or best offer.  No longer needed, Got married last month.  Wife knows f *****g everything.

 

 

 

 


Ashtonian54

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2009, 11:20 PM »
Come Come this will never do"said the choirmaster. "Open your mouths and sing boldly. We will start with ' Little drops of water' and for goodness sake-put some spirit into it!"

The choir was practicing the anthem. The choirmaster said to the trebles, "Now don't forget when the tenors reach 'The gatesof Hell' you com in."

At this evening service the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to the choir.


When I read this Yesterday I didn't get it.

24 hours later the penny dropped, that must be some kind of record huh?

Lynn56

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #23 on: May 16, 2009, 12:52 AM »

When I read this Yesterday I didn't get it.

24 hours later the penny dropped, that must be some kind of record huh?
I still don't get it! Any clues ?

ourjud1

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2009, 12:05 PM »
One day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The policeman is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."  The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
                                              ourjud1
up the boro

musky

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2009, 08:26 PM »

Two English tourists driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrnddrobwyllantysiliogogog they stop for lunch.

One of the tourists asks the waitress," Before we order, could you settle an argument.

Can you pronounce where we are, very,very, very, slowly?"........................

.....The girl leans over and says,

"Burrr-gurrr-king.   
 
 
 
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Jean

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2009, 04:41 PM »
Kiwi, have to say the joke about the gun fighter and the one about the blonde and the milkman have had me in stitches, they are just hilarious, keep them coming !!!!

Martin

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #27 on: May 21, 2009, 01:46 PM »
Thought for the day.

Why do you never see any bobbies in PC World?

After your previous post about the topless lady, I read this as "boobies"!
Martin

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #28 on: May 21, 2009, 09:53 PM »
Went to buy some venison for my tea last night, asked the butcher how much ?, he said six bucks, I told him it was too deer, I didn't have that sort of doe.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

greeny

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #29 on: May 21, 2009, 09:59 PM »
hi thats a tommy cooper special ha ha  ;D