Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 558884 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1170 on: November 29, 2015, 11:28 PM »
small  boy writes to santa please santa I would like a little brother for Christmas dear jimmy santa replied  send me your mummy..

Fudge

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1171 on: November 30, 2015, 11:29 AM »
Mummy I want a Cat for Christmas. Mum you will have Turkey like the rest of us.  Fudge

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1172 on: November 30, 2015, 11:12 PM »
Winter Classes for Women at
THE TAMESIDE COMMUNITY COLLEGE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday 1st January 2016

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS. EACH CLASS WILL LAST FOR TWO HOURS
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1173 on: December 01, 2015, 10:42 PM »
scientists  have proven that there is two things in the air that has caused women to get pregnant                   their legs.. cheers

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1174 on: December 03, 2015, 10:52 PM »
Following a lengthy, and at times complicated, medical investigation I have finally been diagnosed as suffering from a fear of extensive and sometimes over-engineered buildings.

Yes, it seems that I have a complex complex complex complex.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1175 on: December 03, 2015, 10:53 PM »
As the recession bites I had to wind up my new dating agency for chickens, I was finding it too difficult to make hens meet
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1176 on: December 03, 2015, 10:54 PM »
I said to the wife, I've got a problem.
She replied "no we have a problem.
We are a couple, we're a unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together
" Over whelmed with relief,
I said.... "it's hardly worth mentioning now"
but she was insistent on knowing,
" what is the problem??....."
I then had to explain to her that,
" WE have got your sister pregnant!!!
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1177 on: December 05, 2015, 05:01 AM »
the doctor reached in his top pocket for his pen and pulled out his rectal thermometer oh hell he said some arse hole has my pen.. cheers

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1178 on: December 09, 2015, 01:20 AM »
A childless couple adopts a tiny German baby.

It soon becomes obvious that the baby doesn't talk. Various tests are done over the years, and the child always returns normal results, except that he doesn't talk.

The parents are mystified, then one day...

They gave the now five year old some dessert cake. The child ate a mouthful, and said

'Zis apfel strudel is a little tepid.'

The parents were amazed and overjoyed.

'Wolfgang!' they said, 'You can speak! Why have you never spoken before?'

'Because until now,' Wolfgang said, 'Everything has been satisfactory.'
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1179 on: December 13, 2015, 08:36 PM »
two guys in final of a poets contest it must have the word Timbuktu in it first guy started on my way through desert sand met a lonely caravan  men on camels two by two on their way to Timbuktu.. next guy began tim and I to bribane went found some ladies cheap  to rent they were three we were two so I bucked one and tim bucked two

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1180 on: December 15, 2015, 10:55 PM »
an English man irish man and a scot went to a Christmas party the englih man took some tinsel the irish man took some holly they asked the scot what did you bring thescot said  a pair of nickers whats that got to do with chrismas ?? they asked well he replied they are carols.. cheers

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1181 on: December 16, 2015, 10:33 PM »
After emigrating, eight year old Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in Ashton now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammed returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammed?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Ashton and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Ashtonian, I was beaten up by two bloody Muslims."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1182 on: December 19, 2015, 06:46 PM »
any  Christmas funnies????

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1183 on: December 21, 2015, 12:30 AM »
any  Christmas funnies????
Ho Ho Ho, be careful what you wish for  :)
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1184 on: December 21, 2015, 12:30 AM »
Some carol singers came to the door, and when I opened it I recognised a Chinese snooker player, a dead Chinese Communist leader, Mrs McAleese the ex-president of Ireland and Trotsky the Russian Marxist revolutionary.

I was so glad to see them I greeted them in song:

Ding, Dong, Mary, Leon, Hi!
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"