Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 559364 times)

Fudge

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1155 on: October 29, 2015, 11:48 AM »
So funny yes we have to have some fun Fudge

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1156 on: October 30, 2015, 01:21 AM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Fudge

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1157 on: November 01, 2015, 03:23 PM »
Mick opens Paddy's
fridge and say,s, "why do you you
keep a empty bottle of milk inhere
             Paddy?"
Paddy replies, "In case someone wants
a black coffee ye thick twit! "

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1158 on: November 02, 2015, 03:04 AM »
A woman I work with said she was going to a Fancy Dress Halloween Party and wondered what to wear.

I just said "bring a broom and they will understand.................."

Now I have an afternnon with Human Resources to look forward to regarding inappropriate remarks.


A quick one-liner I've managed to get away with a couple of times when seeing a woman, usually a friend or acquaintance, holding a broom - 'Are you sweeping up, or going for a fly around?'
I usually say it after making sure I am beyond the distance needed to be clear of said broom and extended arm!  ;)
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1159 on: November 02, 2015, 07:38 PM »
remember::  you don't stop laughing because you grow old.. you grow old because you stop laughing...  cheers kennetho

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1160 on: November 05, 2015, 10:07 PM »
A young Cajun boy got a great scholarship to one of them fancy Yankee schools and had to move up north. He needed a good job to help him with college expenses, so goes out looking hard for one. He decides to interview for a position at one of those huge “everything under one roof” type megastores.
The manager doing the interview asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The young Cajun respectfully replies, "Yes sir, I do. I worked at Progressive Tractor in their parts department down in Eunice, Louisiana while I was in high school.”
The boss was a bit unsure. “I’m not convinced your experience selling tractor parts will help much with sales in our store. But, I tell you what . . . you seem like a good kid, so I’ll give you a shot. You start tomorrow morning. You work here all day and I’ll come in after we close and see how you did.”
The young Cajun’s first day in the Yankee megastore was rough, but he got through it somehow. After the store was locked up, the boss came in and inquired as expected, “Well son, how many customers did you sell something to today?”
The college freshman frowned a bit, looks toward the floor, and answers softly, “One.”
“Just one? That will not do. Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.” The manager was visibly agitated as he continued, “If you’d like to keep a job here, that kind of performance will have to change soon. We have very strict standards and expectations for our sales force here. One customer a day may have been acceptable in the swamps of South Louisiana, but you’re not near the bayou anymore young man!”
The young Cajun boy took his verbal beating, and continue to look down at the floor. His boss felt a little bad for chewing him out so firmly on the kid’s first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
“$101, 237.65” answered the boy while lifting his head slowly to look at his boss.
"$101,237.65 !?!?! What in the world did you sell him?” asked the astonished boss.
The kid answers, "Well, first I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I ask him where he was going to go fishing and he said down the coast a bit, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris-Craft. Then, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that black, 4x4 Expedition."
The boss excitedly replied, "A guy came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him boat and a truck?"
The young Cajun boy replied, "No sir, actually, the guy just came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Mister, your weekend is shot. You should probably go fishing.’ "
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1161 on: November 09, 2015, 12:32 AM »
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."

"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with, "That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"















"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half uncle"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1162 on: November 09, 2015, 12:34 AM »
   
It is the funeral of a parking warden.

The vicar hears a knocking noise, apparently coming from the coffin. He leans in and hears a weak voice saying "I'm not dead, open the lid."

"Too late, pal." says the vicar "I've done the bloody paperwork."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1163 on: November 09, 2015, 12:36 AM »
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1164 on: November 17, 2015, 06:00 AM »
keep em  rollin we need all the smiles we can get cheers

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1165 on: November 18, 2015, 02:54 AM »
Tell me have you ever wondered when and where yodelling began ? Another true story...

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, " Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, " Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, " We made such passionate love last night."

"What ?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked down from the mountainside, cupped his hand to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1166 on: November 18, 2015, 02:55 AM »
Woke last night in a cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably, my blood ran cold.......I had just experienced the worst nightmare that I have ever had.........



I dreamt that my wife had sold everything in my workshop for what I told her it cost me.......
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1167 on: November 18, 2015, 02:55 AM »
An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1168 on: November 18, 2015, 02:56 AM »
THE WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment.
This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers
Q. So the government is giving me back some of my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on ebay your money will go Ireland
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco
* If you spend it on “cheap” cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria
* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea.
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
It’s the patriotic thing to do.



No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help!
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1169 on: November 18, 2015, 02:58 AM »
 Sheepdog: Here's the 30 sheep you asked for.

Shepherd: I counted, there's only 26.

Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"