Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 577081 times)

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1125 on: September 22, 2015, 10:04 PM »
a man just got back from the doctors and told his wife the doc  put me on an exercise programme.. I have to walk 3 miles a day oh that's good said the wife this time next week you will be 21 miles away..

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1126 on: September 23, 2015, 02:46 AM »


My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1127 on: September 23, 2015, 02:48 AM »
I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'Ö. I thought, can't argue with that!

Oops! sorry it was Ainsley Harriet  ;)

My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1128 on: September 23, 2015, 02:48 AM »
I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1129 on: September 23, 2015, 02:51 AM »
The Hajj has just begun, which sees millions of Muslims making the pilgrimage to Mecca.

This has come as a surprise to the Serbs, Hungarians and Croats, who had assumed it was being held in Germany.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1130 on: September 23, 2015, 02:56 AM »
This week's transatlantic, 'special relationship' phonecall...

Dave: Hello Mr President, can you hear me?

Obama: Yes, Prime Minister, I hear you, but you have some crackling on your end!




Next PMQ might be interesting

"So I ask the Prime Minister, are the allegations true?"
"No."
"So the media is... telling porkies?"


*Corbyn high-fives entire front bench*

My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1131 on: September 27, 2015, 05:23 PM »
?????? :P :P :P :-\ :-\

Bardsleycrow

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1132 on: September 29, 2015, 09:38 AM »
I know number 10 which is the chicken

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1133 on: September 30, 2015, 04:47 AM »
a guy decided to have a vasectomy so thathis girl friend wouldent get pregnantbut unforgently it only changed the colour of the baby

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1134 on: October 01, 2015, 02:59 AM »
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate as he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.


And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1135 on: October 01, 2015, 03:01 AM »
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1136 on: October 10, 2015, 05:43 PM »
smiles  wanted

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1137 on: October 12, 2015, 02:31 AM »
smiles  wanted
England's Rugby Team.

Sorry, thought you wanted jokes not smiles  ;)
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1138 on: October 12, 2015, 02:32 AM »
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his first drive down the fairway, straight into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart, and poured it over the little bloke, reviving him.

"Arrgh!! What happened??" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball", the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye sighted me, and caught me, and ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so what would ye want?'

"Thank God, you're all right!", the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I'd like to apologize for hitting you!" - and the golfer walks off.

"What a nice fella!", the Leprechaun says to himself. "I'll have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things any man would want ... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again whacks a drive down the fairway, it ends up on the edge of the woods - and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little green man says. "I just wanted to ask ye - how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!", the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right".

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "Whenever I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and I can pull out $100 notes, that I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye, also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around, then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"WHAT!!??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week??"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad, for a Catholic priest in a small parish!!"
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1139 on: October 12, 2015, 02:32 AM »
The Politically Correct Guide to History (copyright, courtesy of journalist Joe Hildebrand)

The end of the dinosaurs, 66 million BC

Old version: Dinosaurs wiped out by asteroid.

PC version: Non-progressive fauna restructured by rapid climate change.

Rise of hominids, 2-3 million BC

Old version: Human ancestors start eating meat.

PC version: Anthropocentric chauvinists commit mass speciesism.

Dawn of civilisation, 10,000BC

Old version: Humans learn to farm, civilisation begins.

PC version: Patriarchal agrarian society rapes Earth Mother.

Ancient Egypt, 3000BC

Old version: Various persons buried alive, unusually high number of hippo deaths, animal hieroglyphs.

PC version: Advanced eastern kingdom predicts rise of cat videos.

Sacking of Troy, 1250BC

Old version: Greeks burn ancient capital to the ground, slaughter population.

PC version: EU emissaries renegotiate terms of trade.

Roman Empire, 44BC

Old version: Rising power colonises Europe, enslaves foreign races, builds aqueducts.

PC version: Cosmopolitan urban lifestyle meets tribal chic.

The Crusades, 1095AD

Old version: Christians and Muslims slaughter each other in the Holy Land.

PC version: Inter-faith dialogue.

Spanish Inquisition, 1478AD

Old version: Catholics torture non-Catholics until they admit to devil worship.

PC version: Advanced studies in comparative religion.

Discovery of Australia, 1770AD

Old version: Captain Cook comes to Australia, leaves again.

PC version: Captain Cook comes to Australia, kills everybody.

World War I, 1914-18

Old version: Nutter shoots duke and 16 million people get slaughtered.

PC version: Physical expression of contrasting geopolitical perspectives.

World War II, 1939-45

Old version: Hitler invades Poland, kills Jews.

PC version: Programmatic population redistribution.

Stalinist Russia, 1922-52

Old version: Stalin invades Poland, kills Jews.

PC version: Advancement of progressive socialism.

Assassination of JFK, 1963

Old version: US president shot dead in Dallas.

PC version: Vertical hierarchical adjustment.

September 11 attacks, 2001

Old version: al-Qaeda terrorists hijack passenger planes, destroy World Trade Center, murder almost 3,000 people.

PC version: Disenfranchised non-Anglo-Saxon males advance counter-narrative to free market capitalism.

Martin Place siege, 2014

Old version: ISIS-inspired terrorist takes innocent cafe customers hostage.

PC version: Anti-war activist with mental health concerns raises awareness of international issues.

Parramatta shooting, 2015

Old version: Radicalised youth executes random police worker shouting ďAllah is great!Ē

PC version: Politically motivated (act).
My pet hate is passing. When my time comes, Iím going to die, Iím refuse to ďpassĒ. I want people to say Iím dead. Brown ******* bread. Any ****** that says I passed, Iíll haunt.