Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 559134 times)

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1110 on: September 09, 2015, 12:25 AM »
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!  What'll it be, gentlemen?'

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please.'

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.'  They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same.'

'Wow! That's some story!' one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.'
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Bardsleycrow

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1111 on: September 11, 2015, 10:07 AM »
Love that one.

ayess

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1112 on: September 13, 2015, 05:23 AM »
Whilst having breakfast a wife says to her husband, "What would you do if I won Lotto? "I'd take half and leave you" he answers candidly. "Great" she replies. "Here's $5, I won a tenner yesterday! You will stay in touch won't you?"

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1113 on: September 14, 2015, 10:14 PM »
the black  bra...a married woman of 20 plus years having lunch with her engaged girl friend.. and tey got talking about their relationships.. so they decided to greet their men wearing a black bra stiletto heels and a black mask.. so a few days laterthey met to see how it went..the engaged girl said when my boyfriend came over and I greeted him wearing the high heels black mask and bra he took one look and said you are the girl of my dreams and I love you then we made love all night..so the married lady said I greeted my hubby dressed the same way and he took one look and said......whats for dinner   zorro..

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1114 on: September 16, 2015, 09:38 PM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Joyce_in_Canada

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1115 on: September 17, 2015, 01:41 PM »
Hi Kiwi - did you find that picture in our Canadian London Free Press?   :D :D  It sure looks suspicously like our famous Wharncliffe/Horton St. truck/railway bridge situation that happens all the time at this particular underpass!   ;D ;D    I noticed too that the vehicles are being driven on the righthand side of the road and driver's are sitting on the left so it must be over here somewhere.   ;)   

KENNETHO

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1116 on: September 17, 2015, 02:02 PM »
I thought I had seen that picture before.. cheers

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1117 on: September 17, 2015, 11:14 PM »
Hi Joyce, I found the photo some time ago on Facebook so it could have come from Canada, it's definitely North American  ;)
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1118 on: September 17, 2015, 11:21 PM »
A Harley-Davidson bike rider is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her into the cage, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and smacks the lion square on the nose, with one hell of a punch.
Shocked and whimpering with pain, the lion releases the girl, and jumps back - and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who immediately thank him endlessly.

A news reporter standing nearby has stood and watched the whole event. The reporter rushes up, and addressing the H-D rider, says ... "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do, in my whole life!"

The bike rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind the bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted like anyone else would."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and where were you riding to?'

The biker replied, "I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan, and I was just heading off to a right-wing political party meeting!"

The journalist thanks him and leaves.

The following morning the biker picks up the paper and reads the screaming headlines on the front page:

"SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

And that my friends, is exactly how the left-wing media report the news.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1119 on: September 17, 2015, 11:22 PM »
Butch the Rooster


Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in any future election or referendum. You can't always hear the bells.
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1120 on: September 17, 2015, 11:22 PM »
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1121 on: September 17, 2015, 11:23 PM »
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet as protection from the bitterly cold weather.
"What’s the matter?" asked the Trooper.
"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.”
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you.”
The trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1122 on: September 17, 2015, 11:24 PM »
I walked into Asda this morning and some random bloke started throwing milk, eggs and cheese at me.

I thought "How Dairy."
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1123 on: September 17, 2015, 11:36 PM »
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"

Kiwi

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Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1124 on: September 18, 2015, 04:48 AM »
"Several days ago as I left the Bunnings in Rocky, to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.
My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.
"Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your f***ing ute!"

Note: Bunnings is Australian for B&Q, Rocky is a colloquialism for Rockhampton QLD  :)
"We don't want blood all over the lawn and the hounds are fagged out from yesterdays Jehovah's witnesses"