Author Topic: Lets start with a smile  (Read 422288 times)

Vanessa

  • Guest
Lets start with a smile
« on: May 04, 2009, 09:48 PM »

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily....
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember!" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
"He wipes another tear from his cheek, and says... "I would have gotten out today.


Thought I would start off the new forum with a smile (now we have smilies)  ;D ;D ;D

Vanessa

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2656
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2009, 11:14 PM »
What's the difference between a 20 note and Ricky Hatton?

The 20 note will last more than 2 rounds!  :o
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Fudge

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2875
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2009, 11:57 AM »
Come Come this will never do"said the choirmaster. "Open your mouths and sing boldly. We will start with ' Little drops of water' and for goodness sake-put some spirit into it!"

The choir was practicing the anthem. The choirmaster said to the trebles, "Now don't forget when the tenors reach 'The gatesof Hell' you com in."

At this evening service the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to the choir.

Nan

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 447
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2009, 01:23 PM »
It was once said in America that pigs would fly if ever they had a coloured President, and what happens 100 days into his presidency?   Swine flu!!!  :D

Vanessa

  • Guest
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2009, 07:19 PM »

Why Men should be Happier

Men Are Just Happier People ... What do you expect from such simple creatures
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Vanessa

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2656
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2009, 12:22 AM »
Aussie Version of Creation


In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach....
And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,sleeping
and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming > > and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ... Well.... Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good..... It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2656
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2009, 12:32 AM »
THE GUNFIGHTER


A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of our holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you
a smoother draw'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.


'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'No,' said the old-timer, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2656
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2009, 12:39 AM »
What a load of Bull!!

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico, While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's things from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si Senor......... Sometimes, the bull, he wins.."
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2656
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2009, 12:41 AM »
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........








Keep going















"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!! !!
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2656
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2009, 12:55 AM »
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE HEARD THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS.

When a blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'


The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.'
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

Kiwi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2656
  • ɐoɹɐǝʇo∀ ɯoɹɟ ɐɹO ɐᴉʞ
    • View Profile
    • Central Hawkes Bay NZ
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2009, 01:13 AM »
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.

paul_b

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 438
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2009, 10:43 PM »





THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
> (This one is too funny to not forward.)
>
> My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
> seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
> told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
> landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
> put your trays up, that would be super.'
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
> 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
> to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
> ground.'
>
> She calmly turned her head and said,
> 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
>
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a
> beat,
>
> 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
> Tray -up, Bitch'


gina44

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 167
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2009, 06:46 PM »
a 54 yr old woman has a heart attack and is taken to hospital,she has a near death experience.Seeing God she asks;is this it?is my time up?". "no"god replies "you still have 43 yrs,two months and 8 days to live".So as she recuperates,the woman decides to make the most of her time left.She opts to stay in the hospital and books in for a face lift,liposuction,breast implants and a tummy tuck.She also organises for someone to come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth.She looks a million dollars once its all done.But on the day she is discharged the woman crosses the street by the hospital and is killed by an ambulance.Arriving in front of god she demands"i thought you said i had another 43 yrs left?why didnt you pull me out of the way of the ambulance?"."Sorry madam,god replies, "i didnt recognise you.

gina44

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 167
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2009, 06:48 PM »
A prayer for revenge.
May the fleas of 1,000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day.And may their arms be too short to scratch.Amen

ourjud1

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 79
  • wherever I live ashton will always be home
    • View Profile
Re: Lets start with a smile
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2009, 10:18 PM »

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Due to an illness, the husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she still stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by his bed, he said, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times."

"When I got fired, you were there to support me."

"When my business failed, you were there."

"When we lost the house, you gave me support."

"When my health started failing, you were still by my side, so I've something to tell you."

"What is that my dear?" she asked gently.

"You know what? You're a god damn jinx!"

ourjud1
up the boro