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General Discussion / The Wedding
« Last post by Kiwi on May 17, 2018, 12:28 AM »
Yawwwwwwwwn!!

It seems a bit mean-spirited to wish them other than well. However,  the best wedding present Good Queen Lizzy could give them would involve  Tower Hill, an axe and whoever is running their media circus.

Just a thought  ;)
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on May 14, 2018, 02:18 AM »
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

‘ Mommy ,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it…’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly,’I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’
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General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« Last post by Kiwi on May 14, 2018, 01:56 AM »
Wayne Rooney has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital.

"His speech is improving and he can now just about string a sentence together".

Said Sir Alex.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by KENNETHO on May 12, 2018, 06:50 PM »
a man asked  his boss " can i  have  a few  days  off being  as  it"s so  close  to  Christmas"? boss "it"s may" man "sorry  may i have a few days off being  as it"s so close to  christmas "?
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by brian seward on May 11, 2018, 08:58 PM »
Some one liners

You knew Einstein devloped a theory about space... and it was about time too!

How does the man in the moon cut his hair ? Eclipse it.

Living on earth may be expensive.. but at least you get a free trip around the sun every year !

I got these from a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put it down.
 
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Looking for family or friends... / Re: STAMFORD BOYS SCHOOL
« Last post by Pollardgraham on May 10, 2018, 03:51 PM »
Do you remember a black haired lad called Sid, I can't remember his second name but he was well known and quite a tough lad
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on May 09, 2018, 12:11 AM »
1981:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2005:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2018:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool are in another European Cup final
3. Someone let the Pope know!
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on May 09, 2018, 12:10 AM »
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on May 09, 2018, 12:10 AM »
A lorry crashed into a toll booth at the Mersey Tunnel. A team of workers turned up and they picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it and stuck it back together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the lorry driver to the workers. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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Ask a question.... / Re: Robertson's jam
« Last post by Too shy on May 07, 2018, 09:05 PM »
  By Golly, I was in a store yesterday and on the Import shelf was a bottle of Robertson's jam.  Are they still in business? and I recall when I was Young many years ago They used to give out lapel badges when you sent in so many labels! which also got me to thinking if anyone has one of the badges or can be they obtained ?.

Are you sure that it was jam that you saw on the "import" shelf, Brian? Ferret about on the internet, and we seem to be told that Robertsons ceased their production of jam a few years back when they closed down the Droylsden factory in favour of concentrating on their Hartyleys jam. This is perhaps one of the "dangers" of reputable household names getting bought out by a somewhat larger conglomerates who then have to decide what to do with their surplus production now that they have bought out the opposition. However, the name of Robertsons does still feature in their production of various marmalades. They now appear to be owned by an American concern - is nothing sacred? The warning signs were around some years ago when HP Sauce went to a French set up. They also stopped the write up in French on the label - all I can remember is "cette sauce de haute qualite..." Anyone remember the rest?
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