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Round and About / Re: DISTRICTS IN ASHTON
« Last post by greeny on March 28, 2017, 10:44 AM »
hi we have done the parishes and the districts , but i believe there was a district for the irish in the 20s ???it might been earlier ? i know there was a poor area does anyone know where the poor and irish area where  it was  thanks greeny
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 04:03 AM »
A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse – a long shot – won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn’t even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, ‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost
every cent of my savings!’.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You are not Catholic are you my son?”

“No, I’m Jewish”

“That’s the problem”, said the Priest, “you couldn’t tell the difference between a blessing and last rites”.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:57 AM »
MasterCard, Absolutely Priceless …

(supposed to be true, but could be a joke).

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle U.K. recently:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you that my grandma died in September.’

MBNA: ‘But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.’

MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.’

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

MBNA: ‘Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

MBNA: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?’

MBNA: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died in September.’

MBNA: ‘But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

MBNA: (Stammer) ‘Are you her solicitor?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her grandson’

MBNA: ‘Could you fax us a death certificate?’

Family Member: ‘Sure.’

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: ‘Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.’

MBNA: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

MBNA: ‘That would help.’

Family Member: ‘ Plot 1049.’ Heaton Cemetery, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: ‘But, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?’

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:55 AM »
SHOPPING IN MANCHESTER WAS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED

* Went to Boots…. they don’t sell boots……..
* Went to Selfridges…. they don’t sell fridges……….
* Went to Curry’s….. they don’t sell curry………..
* Went to the Apple store…. they don’t sell apples……….
* Even at Blackberry….. they don’t sell any kinda berries………
* As for Virgin Megastore…. what a huge disappointment !!!!!!
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:52 AM »
A workman was killed at a construction site. The Workcover inspector began questioning a number of the other workers.

Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn’t do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:50 AM »
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
“Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,”the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss
the stupid stone.”

“Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”

“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.

“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:47 AM »
25 things we can learn from movies.

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:43 AM »
A Plumber dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

“Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I’m a Plumber.

“Congratulations for what?”, says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The Plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter, “We’ve added up all your time sheets.”
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:41 AM »
Two cows in a paddock watching the traffic go by.
One cow says “moooo”.
The other cow says ” I was going to say that’.

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?

A. Look here come a herd of elephants.

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

A. Nothing. He couldn’t recognise them.

**
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

**
Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is one two three, & the other’s name is un deux trois.

Who makes it across?

One two three, because un deux trois cat sank.

**
What’s blue & smells like red paint?

Blue paint.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on March 28, 2017, 03:37 AM »
Our local ice-cream man was found dead in his van, lying on the floor with strawberry sauce oozing from his head, which was covered in sprinkles. The poor guy also had a flake sticking out of his ear. The police initially suspected he’d been murdered, but they’ve since come to believe there was no-one else involved. He topped himself.
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