Recent Posts

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Talking about Ashton / Re: My art exhibition
« Last post by Vanessa on September 25, 2017, 12:21 PM »
Thank you so much Greeny, I'm so pleased you enjoyed them. Yes, that is the canal festival in 1980, I try to paint pictures that people can relate to and it looks like I've succeeded.
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Talking about Ashton / Re: My art exhibition
« Last post by greeny on September 24, 2017, 09:26 AM »
hi vanessa went to see your art work yesterday at the library art gallery they were fantastic loved the spread eagle and the big portland basin was it the canal festival they use to have ? the pictures that you painted i could relate to them all the whit walks at mossley the fare at daisy nook ,they were so detailed  any one that not been should go , i will be going again  :) :)
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Talking about Ashton / Re: New building names
« Last post by Martin on September 22, 2017, 08:55 PM »
Daniel Adamson inspecting the progress of work on the Ship Canal...

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Talking about Ashton / Re: New building names
« Last post by Martin on September 22, 2017, 08:53 PM »
Daniel Adamson with family...

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Adding to this discussion somewhat belatedly, I have just been reading that William Shaw, of Bardsley Brewery, was living at Riversvale Hall between 1847 and 1868.

Riversvale Hall was around half a mile from the brewery.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on September 21, 2017, 05:05 AM »
TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the ” Chrysler Beagle”?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer’ s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.

11. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions . . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on September 21, 2017, 05:04 AM »
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,’ how do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Nono’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’ s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to? ‘
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on September 21, 2017, 04:54 AM »
Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

“What have you got there?”

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

“Pies, you Dumb Ass”

********************

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings’ horses,

And all the kings’ men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad……..

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on September 21, 2017, 04:52 AM »
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa (It's in Noo Zulland) . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take
everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« Last post by Kiwi on September 21, 2017, 04:47 AM »
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?ST.

FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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