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Messages - LCGI

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61
General Discussion / Re: Weather or not.
« on: June 07, 2017, 03:38 PM »
Hi
        Getting cold here Track pants and pullovers down to twenty today.     herby

Yes, we call that Winter too - same here is Brisbane

62
General Discussion / Re: Green bin Collection
« on: June 07, 2017, 03:35 PM »
Paying for rain landing on the roof here.
My grass cuttings are either composted or mulched.Garden waste every other week,green bin weekly,recyclables every other week,rubbish same same.
The city are after every "cashcow"they can milk to pay the wages for the PC hired workforce complying to "Parkinson's Law Of Progress" relating to the Establishment.
http://www.economist.com/node/14116121

Yes mate ...... this is a worldwide trend

63
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: June 06, 2017, 10:09 AM »
whats the difference  between  a politician and  a flying  pig???                  the  letter   F

I like that one.......  hahahaha

64
General Discussion / Re: Two more Stars died today.
« on: May 30, 2017, 04:39 PM »
For me the funniest situation was when a zookeeper brought a baby elephant into the Blue Peter studio. It pee'd on the floor and then pulled the keeper into the (presumably) smelly pool. He then slipped and sat right in it. John Noakes was hysterical until he  realised that was perhaps not the thing to do and offered to help. It's a shame he was suffering from Alzheimers but he will long be remembered by viewers of a certain age.
At least Noakes wouldn't remember any of it

65
General Discussion / Re: Two more Stars died today.
« on: May 24, 2017, 07:04 AM »
sir  ROGER  MOORE  PAST  AWAY TODAY  R I P  ROGER  I ALWAYS  ENJOYED  HIS FILMS.. KENNETHO

Yes, A polished and accomplished actor - who led a full and rewarding life - RIP

66
Round and About / Re: Another Terrorist Abomination
« on: May 24, 2017, 07:00 AM »
No words can put a measure to it ---- nor begin to put notion to levels of grief and sorrow felt by all.




67
Smile, please! / For the golfers and drinkers amongst us!
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:21 PM »
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner


The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

68
Smile, please! / Whales...
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:15 PM »
I was sitting in a pub one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

69
Smile, please! / Husband Farting
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:12 PM »
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one sunday morning as she was preparing the Turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

70
Smile, please! / Senior Shoplifter
« on: May 20, 2017, 03:08 PM »
A Cranky woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the Magistrate, he asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The Magistrate then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to shop with."

The Magistrate asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care ?"

The Magistrate answered, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in Prison -- one day for each peach."

As he was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The Magistrate said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour -  she also stole two cans of peas...

71
Round and About / Re: old music hall
« on: May 18, 2017, 06:44 PM »
My brother was shot by an air rifle in the Theatre Royal.

Well, that wasn't me...

72
Round and About / Re: old music hall
« on: May 18, 2017, 03:17 AM »
hmmmm... never mind me

73
Round and About / Re: old music hall
« on: May 17, 2017, 04:48 PM »
Hi Greeny, That would be the 'Ashton Theatre Royal' .... I'm not old enough to know it as a going concern but recall my Grandmother talking about it quite a bit, and yet I do remember playing in the boarded-up derelict building just before it was finally demolished in the mid 50's.

try this link;

http://www.theatrestrust.org.uk/resources/theatres/show/1054-theatre-royal-ashton-under-lyne

74
Smile, please! / Two Dogs
« on: May 16, 2017, 05:51 PM »
One day.... a North American Indian boy asked his father (the tribal chief) why braves have such long names?

The Chief answers; "Well, whenever a baby is born the father would go out of his teepee and then name the new born after the first thing he saw... for example; 'Running Bear' 'Crazy Horse'
Why do you ask - 'Two Dogs Fucking' ?

75
General Discussion / Re: Manchester United F.C.
« on: May 14, 2017, 08:43 PM »

Bill Shankly was a Moron


Well, Kiwi ..... everyone knows NZ is the arsehole of the world ;)

Mmm - interesting opinions. I'm beginning to think we have a troll in our midst. Hope not though.

Well Son, It usually takes ONE to know ONE - eh?

But..... may your hopes be true.

- Larry

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