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Messages - LCGI

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106
Smile, please! / Vaseline!
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:36 PM »
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small  children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

107
Smile, please! / Best fishing story I ever heard!!
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:32 PM »
A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day.

"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here
in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but
you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

108
Smile, please! / Engineers #3
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:26 PM »
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

109
Smile, please! / Engineers #2
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:24 PM »
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

110
Smile, please! / Engineers #1
« on: April 08, 2017, 02:21 PM »
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

111
Talking about Ashton / Re: New building coming along nicely
« on: April 07, 2017, 05:28 PM »
Floors going in now
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=749nSUpMAgI#
Many thanks Vanessa for your YouTube contributions .... they really help this old sod appreciate how the place has changed - since I left in early 1973.  Its amazing how the Pubs (Prince of Orange0 always seem to survive - eh?

- Larry

112
General Discussion / Re: Robinson Crusoe ?
« on: April 07, 2017, 05:13 PM »
If you scroll down the forum page and click on "who's online" you'll find there's usually 20 - 30 people on line but maybe 1 or 2 that are logged in. I'm 12 hours ahead of you so I'm online mostly in your wee small hours but even then there are heaps of visitors, just very few posters  ;)

Hi Kiwi,

Thanks for your response ....... Yeah been there and done that..... but alas like now - All alone here.
BTW, if you are in NZ then you are only two hours ahead of Me - I'm in Brisbane AU.
(Aussies being your bigger and better cousins)

Anyways - avagoodweekend

- Larry

113
General Discussion / Robinson Crusoe ?
« on: April 06, 2017, 03:38 PM »
Hello if anyone comes by....

Most times I log-on to the forum - I seem to be here all alone ??

Anyways, have great day.

- Larry

114
Technical Matters / Re: windows 10
« on: April 05, 2017, 06:38 PM »
I have lost the courser on my window 10 any ideas please

It said on the box "Windows 10 or Better" - so I bought a Mac

Have great week

- Larry

115
Looking for family or friends... / Re: STAMFORD BOYS SCHOOL
« on: April 01, 2017, 04:35 PM »
Hello LCGI and welcome.

Did we know you under a different name on the old board?

Hi Martin..... Always had the same name on here.....

CV:
Born in A-U-L (Lakeside Hospital) June 1950 - living at 14 Kenyon Street
School; Gatefield Primary to 1961, Stamford Boys Secondary to 1965.
Occupation; Coppersmith at Range Boilers 1966 to 1973 - Then Migrated to Brisbane Australia

116
Looking for family or friends... / Re: STAMFORD BOYS SCHOOL
« on: March 31, 2017, 06:15 PM »
Hello to all,
Goodness me..... more time has past us by - its 2017 and April Fools Day here downunder

G'day to all who remembers me

117
Looking for family or friends... / Re: STAMFORD BOYS SCHOOL
« on: June 17, 2015, 08:39 PM »


Geeze another 3 years have past since my last visit.... and nowt else posted

Anyways..... g'day to all here - from downunder

118
Memory Lane / Re: The Beatles
« on: April 09, 2012, 06:07 PM »
I remember when the Beatles appeared in Ashton.  I couldn't go to the concert but the Ashton Reporter issued free photos of them and I had mine for years :-)

Jan I think you are mistaken....?

I lived in Ashton 1950 thro to 1973..... Apart from Manchester Venues.... the closest the Beatles ever cam to Ashton.... was in fact Oldham ?
I recall friends of mine going to see bot them and the Rolling Stones - IN OLDHAM

Sorry if I burst your bubble

119
General Discussion / Another quick visit
« on: April 09, 2012, 05:59 PM »
2012 already.... its been 3 yrs since I last visited here (2009) and I think maybe again... 6 years before that (2003) must be getting towards a decade - since I first joined and began posting here.

Anyways.... its G'Day from me to all who may recall or remember me .....

Happy Easter

120
Looking for family or friends... / Re: STAMFORD BOYS SCHOOL
« on: April 09, 2012, 05:44 PM »
Hello LCGI and welcome.

Did we know you under a different name on the old board?

Howdy (very belated)

Just in for another flying visit ... Jeeze how time flies - 2012 already

G'Day to all who knew or remember me


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