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Messages - Kiwi

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61
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: March 01, 2019, 02:52 AM »
Manchester police arrested 100 Liverpool fans with flares last week.


The same ones they were wearing 29 years ago when they last won the title.

62
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 20, 2019, 02:55 AM »
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well, cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!"

63
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 18, 2019, 12:32 AM »
Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming......
My son got sent home from school yesterday.
He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around.
Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.
However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 Geography class that he is employed to do"...........

64
Ask a question.... / Re: Problem with Tameside Image Archive site?
« on: February 18, 2019, 12:29 AM »
Strange thing is that I rarely clean out the cookie jar but never seem to have problems accessing places  :-\

65
Ask a question.... / Re: Problem with Tameside Image Archive site?
« on: February 15, 2019, 12:23 AM »
Not sure, I don't remember ever clicking an "Accept" button to access the site, have you tried complaining to the council IT people in a harsh font ?.  ;)

66
Ask a question.... / Re: Problem with Tameside Image Archive site?
« on: February 13, 2019, 11:22 PM »
Just tried it, no problem logging into  https://www.tameside.gov.uk/archives/imagearchive

Possibly time for a cookie clean ?.

67
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2019, 01:56 AM »
A newlywed couple from England spend their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. While his new bride is unpacking in their honeymoon suite, the young groom goes out of the Hotel to find a suitable restaurant for their evening meal. He finds a suitable place and across the street he sees an unusual shop sign: "Chief Bald Eagle, Memory Man - He Knows Everything".
Intrigued, he pays his dollar, goes in and asks Chief Bald Eagle "who won the first English FA Cup Final football match?". The Chief draws thoughtfully on his pipe and says "Wanderers v Royal Engineers, 1872 - Wanderers win one-nil". Stunned, the groom returns to his new bride and bores her all evening with how amazing this Chief Bald Eagle is.
Twenty-five years later, they go back to celebrate their anniversary and to the groom's astonishment, amid radical changes to the rest of the area, Chief Bald Eagle is still there in the same shop. He pays his ten dollars, goes in and respectfully greets the old Chief with a raised hand and the word "How". The old Chief squints at him through a wreath of pipe smoke and says "From a corner".

68
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2019, 12:55 AM »
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks, still wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, Bristol 138s, Aircobras, the Albamarle bomber and the Argosy Transport . I've taught more than 200 people to fly and taken part in Air Shows all over the place, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, my dear, what are you?' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: ' Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

69
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2019, 12:54 AM »

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

An attractive blonde lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over six hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap surgical wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible injury and painstaking surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men breathed a sigh of relief and the whole congregation applauded..

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to t tell my wife that the word is sternum."

70
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2019, 12:53 AM »
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with large smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," said he coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Michael O'Shaunessy, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" enquired the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."

71
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 13, 2019, 12:52 AM »
Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gearbox over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom." So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the brush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."

72
Genealogy / Re: WW 1
« on: February 12, 2019, 09:07 PM »
Hi did any one watch they shall not grow old peter Jackson had turned black and white 1st.
 World war footage into colour
It's definitely on the list of "must see's", have watched bits of it on the news and seen a few still shots, just waiting for it to reach the local bug-hut  ;)

73
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 11, 2019, 02:54 AM »

Me and my wife had an argument over my big purple dinosaur which she threw out. We had a massive Barney.

74
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 11, 2019, 02:54 AM »

My mate told me to meet him at half six so I turned up at three.

75
Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: February 11, 2019, 02:53 AM »
I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better.

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