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Messages - Kiwi

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Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 23, 2019, 04:03 AM »
The Air Traffic Controller on duty in the air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 knots. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're travelling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 knots on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how you do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 22, 2019, 05:00 AM »
The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the white line, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:23 PM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:23 PM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:22 PM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:22 PM »

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 13, 2019, 10:11 PM »
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 10, 2019, 01:20 AM »
A man walks into a Welsh pub in deepest Wales and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I'm from England replies the man nervously.
"What do you do,in England Asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" He asks.
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."..

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 10, 2019, 01:19 AM »
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife looking at herself in the mirror. As her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like for a present.
"I'd like to be twelve again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he got up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and took her to Alton Towers.
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew, The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favorite sweets......M&M's..
At last they staggered home together and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and she replied, "I meant my dress size, you twat!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still going to get it wrong

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 10, 2019, 01:17 AM »
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The old bugger had a window cleaning round."

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 08, 2019, 12:02 AM »

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: May 02, 2019, 04:46 AM »
Stormy Daniels (Donnies old mate) and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:28 PM »
A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:19 PM »
An elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, the next one is on me.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Smile, please! / Re: Lets start with a smile
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:11 PM »
A skeleton walks in to a bar.

Barman: “what can I get you?”

Skeleton: “a pint of Guinness and a mop please”

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